DATE: July 2007
TITLE: You Are
AUTHOR: losingntrnslatn
(Jennifer, LosingInTranslation)
DISCLAIMER: Don’t own anything associated with the show… I just like
playing with the characters in it from time to time. Dance Monkeys! Dance!
RATING: M-Mature (for adult sexual content)
PAIRINGS: GSR
SPOILERS: Season 7 – Post “Living Doll”
SUMMARY: Grissom struggles with the fallout from Sara’s abduction.
GSR Angst/Smut
A/N:
I know I swore there wouldn’t be any angst
from me this summer, but this little demonic plot bunny took over my soul for
the last week and wouldn’t let me write anything else. However, in order to
keep my promise, there is smut at the end, so all is right in the world again.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS: This little piece marks the triumphant return of
“Smut Beta!” Without her encouragement, and perhaps even a little screaming at
me to hurry up and finish before I killed her with the angst and suspense, this
would never have been written. And my apologies go out to my regular beta, who unfortunately had to leave town before I was able to
finish, so she has a whole other week before she can find out what happened.
REVIEWS: Reviews are the way I know if people are enjoying the
work or not. So, if you leave one, THANKS! And if not, I hope you found at
least a little something to brighten your day, and thanks for taking the time
to read.
You Are
In the
moments immediately following his first sight of her in the hospital, after a
lengthy search and rescue, Gil vowed that he would put every ounce of his energy
into helping Sara overcome the harrowing ordeal. She had been abducted,
drugged, seriously injured, and left to die beneath the twisted wreckage of a
car in the middle of the desert. He made the conscious determination that his
own demons from the experience paled in comparison to what Sara would be
facing, with the reasoning that he could deal with them later, on his own.
If only
his heart and his subconscious agreed with that decision.
He found
himself constantly needing to know where she was, at all times. When they were
anywhere near each other, he felt compelled to touch her, even in small ways.
He simply needed physical proof that she was indeed safe. But perhaps the worst
side effect of his own demons’ demand for his attention was the night terrors.
Nightmares
had long been a part of his life, but these were a new wrinkle to his psyche’s
response to pressure. He found himself lost in the horrific images of Sara
being tortured, beaten, grasping for survival out in the desert, fighting off
vultures, barely struggling to breathe and then, when he had watched the life
drain from her pained features, he would wake with his heart pounding in his
chest and his arms reaching out for her in the darkness. It was frightening and
draining, but if he could just get his arms around her, feel her body in his
embrace, then his mind could accept that the dream really was just a dream.
After a
particularly bad episode, he finally came to understand that there was a very
real need for him to deal with his demons, and it was abundantly apparent that
he was not qualified to do it on his own. He called his old friend and
department psychiatrist Phillip Kane before going to work the next day. It was
quite possibly the hardest thing he had ever done in his life; far more than
giving in to his feelings for Sara. Gil Grissom was forced to admit that he was
not capable of figuring out a puzzle on his own.
It had
only been two weeks, but he quickly learned that Phillip was an equally
talented puzzle master, because he managed to foil each of his attempts at
vague answers and non-answers to the questions in their sessions. When Phillip
called him on his techniques of evasion, he realized that his entire nature had
become about avoiding the real issues in his own life. He finally understood
why Sara would get so frustrated with him over the course of their bizarre,
push-me-pull-you relationship. Gil also began to wonder if, while trying to
keep the focus off of himself, he really had given Sara reasons to doubt the
sincerity of his feelings for her.
His
subconscious chose that little realization to taunt him with on this occasion.
He was trapped in a reality where every word he uttered pushed Sara further and
further away from him. When he looked across the plain of the dream, he could
see the faces of the many people who had hurt Sara over the years, and his
words were forcing her into their grasps. The moment he was able to make out
the cherubic and intensely insane face of her abductor, he woke from the dream
with his heart beating so fiercely within his chest that he was certain it
would burst, but when he reached out for her, he found an empty bed.
The
sheets were cool to the touch and instantly his mind began to scream at him to
get out of the bed and find her. He tried to calm himself by taking a deep
breath, and then he listened to the sounds in the house. When his ears failed
to pick up a single sound, he was unable to stay in the bed any longer.
He
grabbed the sweatshirt from the back of the chair at the vanity as he made a
beeline for the door to their bathroom. Upon determining she was not in there,
his mind began to play out a thousand different scenarios; she was getting
something to eat, she was unable to sleep and went to read, she had an idea for
the paper she was working on, she had gotten tired of him and left, she was
killed by one of the countless people wishing him or her harm. It only took a
fraction of a second before his mind spiraled completely out of control down a
very dark path.
He tried
the office, the living room, the kitchen, all with no luck and the panic
overtook him. His heart rate increased as he checked the closet, but her coats
and jackets were undisturbed. Forgetting that Bruno was still soundly asleep at
the foot of the bed, he looked for the leash by the front door, but instantly
found it on the hook.
The next
step would be the garage. Sara had not driven since the attack, but he thought
that perhaps she might have been trying to work through that fear, just as she
had done with everything else. As he reached his hand out for the knob, his
eyes caught a glimpse of ivory skin through the patio doors. He craned his neck
around the corner to verify that his eyes were not deceiving him, and was
relieved to find the rest of the arm that the skin belonged to through the
glass.
Trying to
calm his galloping pulse as he walked to the patio doors, Gil took several deep
breaths. He waited a moment, with his hand on the door, willing his heart to
stop pounding out a tribal rhythm in his chest and ears. Finally, his need for
physical proof of her well-being took over and he slid the door open.
“Sara?”
She strengthened her grip around her bare legs as she sat atop the lounge chair
on the patio, and that was when he noticed what she had on; a tank top and her
panties. The pre-dawn hours in
At first,
she remained stiffly silent, but then she leaned into her clasped legs a little
more and softly answered, “Just getting some air.”
“But
where’s your robe? You must be freezing out here.” As he stood there in his
shorts and sweatshirt, the goosebumps were already
rising on his legs, so he could only imagine how cold she must have been. Gil
looked around the patio in vain, trying to find something to put over her.
Finally, his gaze fell on the sweatshirt he wore. “You can’t stay out here
dressed like that.” He reached for the hem of the shirt and was about to raise
it up when Sara turned and laid her head down on her knees.
“I’m
fine.” There was absolutely no emotion in her voice as she spoke.
“Sara,
it’s freezing out here. At least wear my sweatshirt, please?” He moved to pull
it off of his body again.
“I won’t
be much longer… You can go ahead back to bed.” Just as he was about to object,
Sara raised her head and turned to face away from him.
Feeling
the pain of her dismissal, Gil stepped back into the house, but once his bare
feet met the cool of the stone floor he had a hard time understanding why he
was there. He looked around the darkened room and tried to imagine how things
had gotten so messed up between them. Aside from the abduction itself, they
just never seemed to be able to avoid letting things build up to critical mass
before they finally dealt with them.
His mind
went back to his last session with Phillip, where the man asked him a question
he was still trying to find the answer to himself. “If you truly care about
this woman, as you have repeatedly stated, and want her to be a major part of
your life…then why do you consistently exclude her from it?” The question had
stopped him cold during the session.
Just as
the realization hit him then, he finally understood that he was once again
doing exactly what the dream taunted him about; he was pushing her away, even
if it was simply because he was allowing her to push this time. He blew out a
breath and took stock of the situation once more.
He turned
to look outside, and in the faint light he saw her body tremble with her silent
weeping. Not once had he witnessed her tears since her release from the
hospital, and the fact that she was hiding them from him gave him cause to
question his worth. Was she afraid of his reaction? Did she not trust him to
deal with her pain? Were her tears in response to something he had done? That
was the last straw for him; he could no longer sit idly by and watch her
suffering without at least trying to do something to fix it.
Grabbing
the throw resting on the back of a dining room chair, he made ready to do
battle against the demons.
When he
exited the house again Sara never stirred, and he was unsure about whether she
was ignoring him, or if she had simply not heard the door slide open. She was
still clutching her arms around her legs with her head resting on her knees. In
the dim light of the waning moon, she appeared so small and frail that it
caused him even more alarm.
He
unfolded the blanket as he got closer to the lounge chair and then stepped over
to straddle it when he brought the throw to her back. While he lowered himself
to sit directly behind her, he dropped the blanket around her shoulders and
took her into his embrace.
He was
prepared for her to be slightly angry for ignoring her request to be alone, but
when she bolted away from his grasp and stifled a terrified shriek he was
completely dumbstruck and utterly heartbroken. There were no words left to him,
only the intense and endless agony he felt because of the result of his
actions. He sat there, the blanket clutched in his trembling hands, his mouth
gaping like a beached trout.
To her
credit, Sara tried desperately to recover from the shock of his move, but he
could see the gooseflesh over her entire body, and the frightened tremor in her
breathing made what was left of his heart clench with regret. “I didn’t…hear
you…come back… I’m…sorry.” She swiped at the tears staining her cheeks and
stood at the end of the lounge, her other arm clutched around her body as though
it was the only thing keeping her together. Her inability to look him in the
face was only further confirmation that things were not nearly as resolved as
he was deluding himself into believing.
The sight
of Sara in such a state of distress, and knowing that it was his fault she was
so horror-struck with fear, broke something inside of him. And when it broke,
the last protective walls around his own demons were
destroyed.
Gil could
count on one hand the number of times he was moved to tears in his adulthood,
and most of them involved the suffering, tortured creature before him. He
wished more than anything that he had something to offer her, other than his
tears. When he felt them streak down his
face, the shame of it all took over and he hung his head.
Everything
he told himself was a lie, and everything he believed was a myth. The awful
shriek ringing in his ears over and over again was all the proof he needed. The
memory of her frightened posture was imprinted on his soul, and for the rest of
his life he would bear the guilt of that pain. He knew that he was the cause of
her pain, that it was his fault she was abducted, and that it was his years of
silence which fed her insecurities about their relationship, as well as his
intentions.
Continuing
to wallow in the dark abyss of regret, he remained defeated atop the lounge
chair, the blanket still clutched in his fingers, his eyes never lifted above
his own hands. He was so lost in his own agony that he failed to notice Sara as
she knelt down on the chair in front of him. Not until she timidly reached out
to barely run her hand across the side of his head did he finally look up to
find her in front of him.
“I-I…”
She bit her lip as she tried to the find the words. “I’m sorry… You just
startled me.” Her hand finally made real contact with him as she stroked his
hair. “I just didn’t hear you come out.” Slowly, she leaned forward and pressed
her forehead into his as she closed her eyes and twined her fingers in his
hair. “It’s okay.”
He
swallowed back the bile that rose in his throat as he choked out the words that
haunted him. “It’s not okay… Nothing is okay.” He felt her tense at his words,
but Gil dared not move a muscle. His entire future was wrapped up in the
skittish eyes of the woman in front of him. “And I don’t know how to fix it… Any of it.” His body went limp as he finally gave in to the
truth. “It’s my fault and I can’t do anything to fix it. I’m so sorry, Sara.”
None of
the barriers remained, none of his defenses were left intact. His soul was laid
bare to the world and all of its many torments. For the first time in since his
boyhood, he found himself at the complete mercy of fate with nothing to protect
him; not logic, not reason, not science.
Just when
he thought the overwhelming tide of despair would take him away, he felt her
arms wrap around his head and pull him into her embrace. He was still deep in
the throes of anguish as she tried to cradle him in her arms, but he finally
broke out of his stupor when he felt her tears begin to dampen the top of his
head. However, it was the sound of her soothing words that brought him back to
the present.
“Please
don’t worry… I’m fine.” She held him tight and rocked them back and forth as
the words fell from her lips in a chant. “I’m right here… It’s okay.”
It all
became too much for him, and he sat up to gaze into her eyes when he said,
“It’s not okay, Sara.” He dropped the blanket between them and gently took her
hands into his. “You’re sitting outside in the freezing cold, because you can’t
stay in bed next to me. You have nightmares, but you won’t talk to me about
them, and try to hide them from me.”
He took
in a deep breath, steeling himself for his own admission. “I wake up two and
three times a night, certain my heart is going to leap out of my chest in fear.
I’m having panic attacks when I can’t be with you all the time. And-…” He stopped, terrified that if he gave voice to the
fears which had plagued him for weeks, the truth of them would break him
forever. “And I feel like you’re slipping away from me. That somehow, I’m
pushing you away, that you just want me to disappear, that you-…” The thought
cut into him like a dagger straight through the heart, and made each word feel
like an assault. “That you blame me just as much as I do.”
“What are
you saying?” Her face betrayed an unbelievable sense of shock and dismay. “I
have never said anything like that.”
“You
haven’t said much of anything.” Gil
regretted the words even as they left his mouth. He dropped his gaze and added,
“But neither have I.”
Her voice
was soft, frail and he almost missed what she said. “I know…about the panic
attacks.” He sat with his mouth hanging slightly agape. “And you’d wake up even
more if I didn’t stay in bed most of the time.”
Shaking
his head, Gil asked, “I don’t understand… How-”
“You
start breathing heavy, and it wakes me up.” She shrugged and finished, “If I
lay my head on your chest, you usually calm down.”
“But why didn’t
you say anything?” He was completely confused by her revelation.
Watching
her struggle with the answer, he began to worry even more, but not knowing had
already caused enough damage. Gil squeezed her hands gently and pleaded to her
with his gaze. She inhaled sharply and the words trembled from her lips.
“Because I didn’t want you to worry…about what happens.”
He
searched his mind, trying desperately to piece together the truth, to
understand why Sara would be so afraid. When his mind finally reconnected with
the logic of the situation, he was suddenly mortified by the implication. “No…”
For the first time in his life, he simply could not accept what the evidence
was telling him. His attempts to calm his own fears were the real source of her
horror.
“It’s
okay… I just-” Sara struggled to explain herself, but
he was still at war with the truth. “It’s just…when you…cover me like that…”
Each word pained him, and he wanted nothing more than to reach out and take her
into his arms to keep any and all pain away from her, but now he knew the
truth: his embrace; that was the source of her pain.
When he
released her hands, dropping them as though they were a venomous snake, Sara
drew in a surprised breath. “No… It’s not that.” She reached up to stroke his cheek.
“I just… I get a little…claustrophobic when I can’t move.” She released a sigh
and brought her forehead back to his when she said, “I didn’t tell you, because
I thought it would pass and… because I didn’t want you to worry.”
“Sara… If
I’m doing something to hurt you, I need to know.” He looked up and right into
her eyes when he reached up to touch the line of her jaw with the backs of his
fingers. “The last thing I want is to cause you anymore har-”
“Stop!”
He reared back in surprise by her outburst, and then he watched as she
struggled to regain her control. “I can’t listen to that anymore.” She took his
face in both of her hands and made absolutely certain that he was paying
attention before she spoke again. “None of this is your fault… Not the dreams,
not the claustrophobia, not the abduction, not even the fact that I’m sitting
out here freezing my ass off tonight.” He tried to look away, but she refused
to let him. “I know you think you’ve got some kind of limitless power, Gil, but
don’t get ahead of yourself. You aren’t that good.” He caught the slight glint
in her eyes and then she gave him a shadow of a wink when she added, “Close,
but not quite.”
The turn
at the corner of his mouth was completely involuntary. Even under the most
stressful circumstances, she always managed to get him to smile. And he had
nearly lost that with her, which made his smirk fade just as quickly as it
appeared. “Then why are we here?”
“We’re
here for two reasons… One, some crazy girl decided to start killing people, because
no one ever took the time to help her. But she made some serious errors in
judgment.” Sara reached in and tucked her fingers under his chin. “She tried to
outsmart the best minds forensic science has to offer.” He nearly relaxed with
her compliment, but her next words did him in. “And she pissed off Jim.”
The
laughter that erupted from his chest had them both shedding the tremendous
weight they were carrying. “I’m serious… He’s a real bad ass when he’s mad.”
As he
calmed down from their outburst, he fell back into the lounge chair. “I can
testify to the truth in that.” He watched as she sat back on her feet and
relaxed her shoulders. “What’s the other one?”
She
regarded him with a puzzled look when she asked, “Other one, what?”
“You said
that we were here for two reasons…what’s the other reason?”
She
chuckled with his question and started to rub up and down on her upper arm, as
though the cold had finally reached her conscious thought. That was when Gil
remembered what was sitting between them. He gathered up the blanket in his
hands, leaned forward, and cautiously wrapped it around her shoulders. “Right…
The other reason we’ve ended up here, and why I chose to sit out on the patio
in my underwear.” Gil ran his hands up and down her arms, trying to help warm
her as she continued with her explanation. “Because we are the two most
stubborn, socially inept, non-communicative, relationship-challenged jackasses
to ever walk the earth on two feet.”
He fought
the smirk that threatened to take over his face when he asked, “That seems like
quite the conclusion you have there, and you’ve come by this exactly how?” His
hands continued to softly stroke over her body as he waited for the answer.
Sara
closed her eyes and allowed a bit of slack in her spine, which softened her
posture before she answered. “Testimony, observation,
experience, analysis and experimentation. You know,
all the usual suspects.” He finally let go and chuckled at her response.
Gil fell
back into the chair again and sighed. The seriousness of the whole thing fell
over him as he tried to relax. A shiver of cold went through his body and he
squeezed his eyes shut as he asked the question that had always troubled him,
“Why does everything have to be so difficult, Sara?”
Instead
of an answer, he heard the slide of the patio door. When he opened his eyes, he
was alone on the patio. “Sara?” She did not answer.
He was
about to get up and follow after her when she suddenly appeared in the open
doorway. Gil smiled when he saw the big fleece blanket thrown over her arm as
she stepped back onto the patio. “What?”
“You
disappeared.” The slight whine in his voice surprised him, but the gentle wink
she gave him in response let him know that she was amused by it.
“Sorry…but that throw wasn’t even big enough to cover me, and that is
not a thirty second discussion.” She knelt down in the chair in front of him and shook the
blanket out. As she drew it along the length of the lounge,
and up over her back, she managed to move herself into a comfortable resting
spot. With her head lying on his shoulder, she tucked the blanket in
around his body. “Plus, it’s really hard to effectively debate with you when my
teeth are chattering.”
“Not that
I am complaining, but why exactly are you doing this?” He tried to look into
her face, but it was buried comfortably in the crook on the left side of his
neck.
“I’m
cold, you’re shivering, we’re both in our underwear, and I’m tired.” Her left
hand wound its way to the back of his neck, where she began to play with the
hair at the nape as she explained. “And this is the most we’ve talked in
months, so I didn’t want to miss it.”
He wanted
desperately to wrap his arms around her, but he kept them firmly on the sides
of the chair for fear that he would trigger another episode. With his legs
straddled on either side of the lounge, it was difficult to be comfortable as
she adjusted her weight over the top of him. Gil tried to relax, but he was
still very worried about how his actions would be received, especially now that
he was aware of the severity of her fears.
As though
she sensed his inner turmoil, Sara sat up and regarded him with a concerned
expression. “Are you okay?” He tried to keep the fear out of his expression,
but she misunderstood his intention. She pushed away from his chest with a
start, “Oh man, I’m sorry… Am I hurting you?”
“No!” His
hands instantly moved to her sides to stop her. He was practically desperate
for any contact with her beyond the unconscious embraces, and the casual
brushes that had been their only exchange since the abduction. When he realized
what he had done, Gil slammed his eyes shut and tried to remove the panic from
his voice before he spoke again. “I’m sorry…” He held his hands out and away from
her. “I’m just afraid of…hurting you.”
Sara sat
back on her heels and slumped over. “I’m starting to see your point.”
Sitting
forward, Gil reached out and took her right hand in his when he asked, “Which
one?”
“About everything having to be so hard.” She looked down at their hands as
he turned them over to stroke the back of hers with his thumb. “All I want is
to sleep through the night, feel safe in your arms again, and not to constantly
be looking over my shoulder. But I can’t even have a normal conversation with
you anymore. Not without one of us freaking out, anyway.”
Releasing
a deep sigh, he knew that her words were the absolute gospel, but he was not
willing to let them remain that way. “Tell me what to do, Sara.”
“You think
if I knew, I wouldn’t have done something by now?” Sara dropped her hands onto
his shoulders and collapsed against him. “I’m just tired of being afraid of
everything.”
His first
instinct was to hold her in his arms and stroke her hair, but he was still
unsure about what to do. Deciding to go with the most innocent of gestures, he
ran a hand down from the crown of her head along the full length of her hair.
With each stroke, she melted into him further. When he leaned his head into the
side of hers, she let go of his shoulder to reach down and grabbed his other
hand. “I know it’s been a while, but…” She tugged the arm up and put it around
her back. “I think this goes here.”
Relaxing
into the embrace, his nerves were eased by the way her body molded into his
with the contact. The feeling was enough to infuse him with a small dose of
confidence. He slowly pulled her into him and he leaned back into the chair
again, only this time he brought his legs up onto the lounge as well. Once they
were resting against the back of the chair, and into each other, Sara stretched
her legs out until she was situated between his legs,
and lying sideways in his arms.
“You
okay?” She spread out her palm over his chest and began to trace the letters on
his sweatshirt.
He inhaled
deeply, filling his nostrils with the scent of her hair, before he answered her
honestly. “I don’t believe I could feel any better than I do at this very
moment.” He enjoyed the gentle vibration of her amused giggle.
They
remained like that, in quiet communion with one another for a long while. Simply relishing in the comfort of their bodies.
When his
eyelids began to grow heavy, he sighed into her hair and relaxed into the chair
even further. Just as he was about to succumb to sleep, he felt Sara begin to
fidget on top of him. “What is it?”
She
huffed and then dropped her head back onto his chest. “It’s nothing.”
He threw
his head into the back of the chair and said, “Don’t start that again.”
Her
chuckle met his exclamation. “Sorry… What I meant to say was,
I’m getting cold.”
“Oh!
Well, then let’s get you-” He was about to get up when she planted him in place
with her palm. “What?”
“You
don’t take hints very well.” He was still confused by her comments when he felt
her left hand slowly crawl up underneath his sweatshirt. As her fingers started
to tickle across his bare chest, it suddenly dawned on him what she referring
to.
Squeezing
his eyes shut, Gil prepared himself for the chance that his interpretation was
false and he gathered up the courage to ask, “Sara?”
Her head
was nestled into his neck by that point, and when she hummed her
acknowledgement it sent warm ripples of pleasure through his entire body. He
wanted her so badly that he was almost afraid of what his desire would do, if it
was unleashed. “Do you know what you’re doing?”
Her other
hand joined in and started to run up along his back when she answered, “I’m
trying to stay warm.” Her whispered words danced over the skin of his neck with
her heated breath.
“Okay.”
It was not the answer he was looking for, but he decided to let it play out,
careful not to let himself get too carried away in the process.
When she
tugged his sweatshirt up from his body a little more, he was surprised by the
touch of her lips to the side of his neck. But it was her soft and pleading
voice that knocked him for a loop. “I want to feel normal… I just need to feel
whole again, even if it’s just for a little while.”
“I just
don’t want to h-” She silenced him with a finger over his lips.
“You
won’t… I know that, really I do.” Her lips tenderly replaced her finger. “I
just need a little refresher course…in trusting myself.”
He moved
his hands to the sides of her head and tilted it down to press a loving kiss
into her forehead. “You shouldn’t have any problems there… After all, it was
your trust in an us
that saved me.” She looked up to catch his eyes, and he saw in their dark
depths the most breathtaking concentration of gratitude and affection he could
ever recall. He reached out to catch one of the drops that tried to tumble from
the glassy pools of unshed tears he found in her eyes.
The
feeling of her lips pressed into his was enough to knock him off balance. Sara
always poured her entire being into her kisses, but this time was different. He
felt like there was so much more to the soft, simple caress of her lips with
his, and he was certain that they had finally reached a turning point.
Moving
her hands to his head, her fingers wound themselves through his hair and
massaged his scalp, sending an almost electric current into his mind and body.
The urge to let himself go was great, but more
powerful than that primal compulsion to lay claim to her body was his abiding
and unconditional love for her. As much as she needed to feel whole, to feel
some semblance of normalcy, he needed it for her ten fold. And so, he let her
call the shots; let her set the pace and the tone, because it was the only
thing he had to offer her in the way of help.
Leaning
on her arms, she pressed them into his chest and slowly brought her legs up
until they were under her, and straddling him. Sitting up and away from him,
her lips finally broke their hold on his and she looked down into his eyes.
There were no words to express what he saw glimmering in those eyes, and he would
carry the memory of that look with him to his grave.
He was
suddenly overcome with emotion, staring deeply into her soul. “Sara…”
She shook
her head and then laid it down beside his to whisper into his ear. “Shhhhhhhhh.” Before he could
protest, the feeling of her lips as they touched the space behind his ear
silenced any further speech. There was always something particularly
distracting about the way Sara would pay such close attention to his ears. It
was almost reverent.
When Sara
began to hum into his skin as she pressed her cheek along his jaw, he wanted
very much to take her into his arms and show her his appreciation for what she
was doing to him. It took everything in his power to refrain from doing just
that, because he knew how important it was for her to be in control.
The heat
of her lips and tongue trailing down his neck served to stoke Gil’s fire. He
could feel every centimeter of contact where her body touched his, where her
skin met his, where her lips pressed into his flesh. Each touch, each caress
brought his libido to a full boil. By the time Sara reached down to lift his
sweatshirt from his body, his skin had already begun to perspire.
With his
arms in the air after she pulled the shirt from him, he wanted to drop them
onto her back. Instead, he held them up a while longer, until he saw the
blanket drop from her shoulders. His instincts kicked in, and he reached down
for the blanket, slowly dragging it back up the length of her body.
He was stopped
when Sara began to run her tongue along his collar bone to the dip at the base
of his throat. She paused to nip at the crest, before she started to kiss her
way down over his bared chest. He groaned with intense pleasure as she sucked
one of his nipples in between her lips and teased at the nub with her teeth. As
she moved to the other nipple and circled around the perimeter with her tongue,
he ground his teeth together and bunched the blanket up in his fists while he
continued to fight the urge to envelope her with his body.
Continuing
to hold the blanket over her, Gil struggled to maintain his control as Sara
teased and taunted his flesh, but when she began to grind into him his ability
to think rationally started to wear thin. He could feel the pulsing in his
groin with each thrust of her hips into his pelvis. The clench of his jaw as he
fought his urge to press her into his embrace was his only defense, as Sara ran
her long fingers up and down his sides and continued to nip at the flesh on his
chest.
Sara’s
fingers dipped lower and lower with each pass, until she started to run them
along the inside of the waistband to his shorts. When she pushed her right hand
deep into the garment and skirted it along the edge of his hip, his reflexes
took over and he thrust himself forward. Her throaty chuckle danced over his
belly and made it even more difficult for him to focus on maintaining his
control.
Stretching
back up along his body, Sara went in for another tender embrace of his mouth
with her own, pressing her body into his as she drew his bottom lip out with
her teeth. He could feel her entire length as she writhed against him, and Gil
was dangerously close to losing his grip. His baser self was screaming at him
to let go, but his rational side told him to hold on, because he owed it Sara.
She had
stood by him through so much already, helped him overcome his fears, soothed his soul when he was close to burning out, forgave
him for his deficiencies, and gave him her trust, even when he proved that he did
not deserve it. This was his time to finally prove to her that her investment
had been worth all of the pain. Even if it cost him his sanity, he was going to
give her all that she needed to get through this.
Slamming
his eyes shut as Sara reached back down to his shorts, Gil dropped the blanket
and gripped the hand rails of the lounge chair. His knuckles went white the
moment he felt her hand wrap around him at the base, but when she began to
slowly and firmly pump her hand up and down he was sure the rails were going to
break off in his grasp. She slowly slid her body down his torso, making him
grit his teeth and hiss with his barely intact restraint.
His mind
barely registered that his shorts were being removed as she continued to stroke
him in an incredibly sensual rhythm. However, his psyche nearly exploded the
moment he felt her tongue snake from the bottom of his shaft to the tip. He
could feel the heat of her breath on the already heated flesh, but the
sensation of Sara’s tongue running over the length of him was positively
enrapturing.
What
started as a pulsing sensation in his groin quickly became a pounding force of
blood as she worked her mouth around the turgid mass of flesh. He could feel
every slide, slurp and lathe of her tongue. He relished in each centimeter that
she brought into her warm, wet mouth. And he was perfectly aware of each caress
of her fingers and the grip of her hands as she continued to tease him into
absolute rigidity.
When his
hips began to thrust involuntarily, he knew just how close he was getting, but
Sara slowed her pace at the same time. He groaned when she pulled away from
him, and he fought to keep his hands firmly gripped on the chair. If he let go,
he knew that he would not be able to stop himself from reaching out for her.
His eyes
were still clenched shut as he waged a war with his primal desires to take her
into his arms, so he was unaware of what went on in front of him. Instead, he
nearly jumped out of his skin when Sara’s lips descended over his once more.
Her kisses were more urgent than before, and he was finding it increasingly
difficult to remain passive with each press of her lips.
As Sara
pulled her lips away from his mouth, his eyes opened to follow her movements.
She pressed her left hand into his chest for balance and then reached down with
her right. When she took hold of him and wriggled her hips into position, he
was suddenly aware that she had removed her panties.
He gasped
when she took the head into her moist heat. Gil was unprepared for their
joining, even though he had wanted nothing else for weeks. The tight grip she
had around the tip was enough to send stronger pulses of circulation into his
groin. He could practically hear the blood rushing in his ears as she slowly
dropped over his shaft.
The
painfully deliberate slide of her body falling onto him was maddening. He
wanted to reach out and grab her hips, to thrust into her, to bury himself within her walls, to lose himself in the act of
making love to her. But this was not about what he wanted; this was about Sara,
and what she needed.
Before
she enveloped him completely, Sara started to rock over him, gripping him with
each raise. With each lift of her hips, his back arched of its own volition, as
though his body was attempting to keep the contact at all costs. She descended
upon him deeper and deeper each time, and he found his hips rolling in time
with her movements.
He could
feel his restraint being slowly eroded away with each grip of her walls, with each
rock of her hips, and was not sure he would be able to hold back much longer.
He looked up into her eyes and found that she was losing herself in the act.
Her lids were heavy with arousal, and her hair was dampened from the heat they
were generating between them.
The only
thought on his mind was that he wanted to reach up and take her head in his
hands so that he could capture her mouth. He wanted to grab her hips and thrust
up into her to claim her body. To prevent him from doing just that, he gripped
the hand rails even tighter and he could hear the wood creak from the strain.
When she
slowed her movements, he fought back the desire to speed it back up. Her body
fell back into his and she brought her mouth to his ear. Her hot breath on the
shell of his ear was maddening as he waited to learn what she wanted.
She
slowly ran her hands down the length of his arms until she reached his
white-knuckled fingers on the hand rails. The words that fell from her lips and
dripped into his ear were like a little taste of heaven. “I miss your hands.”
It took
barely a moment for the information to sail through all of the defenses he had
kept in place before he was able to release his death grip on the chair. He
allowed his hands to be guided by Sara’s movements, and he soon felt them at
the tops of her hips. Without another thought, he pulled his head up to capture
her mouth, pouring every ounce of his gratitude and desire into the kiss they
shared.
They were
soon working together, their movements in time with the other, each working to
enhance the act for one another. His hands quickly stripped away her tank top
and roamed over every bit of her newly exposed skin. The passes were aided by
the perspiration on her skin, and the heat against his palms was his reward for
his patience.
When she
planted her palms into his chest, he groaned with the increased pressure on his
groin. His hands instantly moved to the center of her hips so that he could
hold her to him tighter. Sara moaned with the added contact, and continued to
wriggle her hips in a delicious rhythm.
He could
feel the pulse begin deep within his groin, and he knew there was no way he
would be able to hold back much longer. Gil moved his right hand in along the
line of her thigh, and dropped his thumb into the junction. He pressed into her
folds until his thumb made contact with her nub. In that instant, Sara bucked
into him with an intense reaction, which only increased as he began to stroke
her center.
Working
in time with her rocking hips, the pace began to accelerate until they were
both panting. Without any warning at all, his control vanished entirely and his
mind exploded into a million tiny shards at the same moment he felt a pulsing,
vice-like grip around him, taking him completely and totally over the edge.
The cold
chill of the pre-dawn air finally stirred him from his stupor. He found a
satiated angel curled up on his chest, and he lifted his head up to kiss her
exposed shoulder. Her skin was damp and the night air had already cooled her
flesh. He reached down for the blanket and drew it up to cover her, and she
stirred from her exhausted slumber.
He
whispered into her ear, “Are you okay?”
His only
answer was a low thrumming purr. “Mmmmmmmmmm.”
He ran
his hands up and down her back as he tried to warm her skin. “Was that a good ‘mmmm’ or a tired ‘mmmm?’”
She
vibrated over his chest with her chuckle, but her answer gave him a reason to
laugh. “Yes.”
He shook
with laughter as he wrapped his arms around her, and held her tight into his
chest. Instead of stiffening, as she had been for weeks, Sara kissed his collar
bone and pulled herself in tighter. It was the most amazing feeling he had ever
experienced.
Gil
relaxed into the sensation of her comfort and their combined embrace. The memory
of that moment was permanently etched into his soul, and he would carry that
feeling of total acceptance with him all the rest of his days. He sighed with
the realization that everything else would be fine. As long as they could be
like this, nothing else mattered. She was his whole world, and knowing that
they would always have each other was enough to carry him through whatever came
their way.
Sara
snuggled into his embrace beneath the blanket and asked, “What’s that for?”
“What?”
He was distracted by the feeling of her movement against his body.
“That…”
She expelled a deep breath in a rush and explained, “It was a very pronounced
sigh.”
“Ah… I do
believe that was your fault.” Gil
took her left hand in his and twined their fingers together.
“Oh really? How do you figure?” She twisted her fingers within his as she played
with his hand.
He
brought the back of her hand to his lips and kissed her knuckles. “Because you
are…”
The long
pause that followed gave Sara cause to sit up and look on his thoughtful
countenance. When he smiled at her puzzled expression, she chuckled, “I thought
for a second that you fell back asleep.” He brought both his arms around her
again and sighed once more with the sensation.
She
cleared her throat when he failed to continue and asked, “Because I am…what?”
“Take
your pick… Intelligent, beautiful, strong, caring,
compassionate, tough, talented, loving, sensual, practical, insightful, and
absolutely amazing in every way.” She sat up and looked into his intense
gaze as he concluded his explanation, “So, the only way to sum it up as simply
as possible is to say that, ‘you are.’”
Sara
kissed him sweetly before she dropped back into his chest and gave her own
sigh. “You forgot one.”
His
delighted chuckle met her response. Wrapping his arms more tightly around her,
he asked, “I don’t see how, but enlighten me, please.”
“You
forgot the most important thing… Yours.”
“Ah, see,
that is where you are mistaken…” He pulled the strand of hair which had fallen
over her face and then looked into her eyes when he said, “That is simplest way
in which I would describe myself.”