DATE: August 2009
DISCLAIMER: Don’t own anything associated
with the show… I just like playing with the characters in it from time to time.
Dance Monkeys! Dance!
RATING: Teen
SPOILERS: Through US Aired Episodes
WARNINGS: CD = Character Death
SUMMARY: Now that they have gotten their
"Happily Ever After," Gil and Sara decide to do all of those things
they had been dreaming about for years. But what's that thing about waiting too
long?
A/N: I struggled with the idea of
labeling this story as CD, because I do believe you only read a tragedy if you
know something bad is going to happen. But in the end, I have relented in order
to preserve the peace. Many thanks to Smacky030 & lostladyknight for being my sounding boards as I struggled
with the idea of labeling it.
REVIEWS: Reviews are the way I know if
people are enjoying the work or not. So, if you leave one, THANKS! And if not,
I hope you found at least a little something to brighten your day, and thanks
for taking the time to read.
WISHES AND DREAMS
“Ahhhg!” His groan of frustration
convinces Sara to rise from her seat on the bed.
Crossing
the hotel room floor, she smoothes her hands down his arms from the shoulders,
and then to inserts herself between Gil and the mirror. “Just because you’re
mad at yourself doesn’t mean you have to take it out on your tie. Her deft
fingers slip quickly into the motions of tying his favorite tie. She grins at
his automatic acceptance of her into his personal space.
“I am not
mad…and the tie should stop fighting against me.” His anger makes him puff up,
but her touch and her smile quickly crumble his resolve and the corner of his
mouth turns up into a smirk. “I’m not…that…mad.”
Sara
pulls the tie through the last loop and pulls it tight, forming a perfect
He tries
to bring the scowl back to his face, but it looks much more like a pout.
“That’s not the point.” Through his furrowed brow, he continues to grouse at
the outcome. “I lost to a fifteen year old kid.”
Her laugh
comes from her toes when she sees just how much his defeat is still bothering
him. “Happens to the best of us, dear.” She kisses him
softly on the lips and rests her hands on his lapels. “Now, help me with my
dress and we can go to dinner.”
“Do we
really have to go?” Sara shakes her head at his continued pouting as she walks
into the bathroom.
“Well,
you did buy me this dress for the occasion, and it would be a shame to waste
it.” Reaching around the bathroom door, she pulls back her arm back holding a
slinky red dress.
His eyes
light up as his mind analyzes and catalogues the way she will look in the dress
she let him pick out. Sara knows the fight is over when he double times it to
her, his arms outstretched. “That’s what I thought.” Her comfortable giggles
fill the air between them as he takes the dress from her hands.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Exiting
the hotel lobby, Gil immediately gestures to the doorman to call them a cab,
but Sara stops him. “It’s only a couple blocks, and it’s such a nice night, why
don’t we walk?”
His brow furrows
deeply when he asks, “Are you sure?”
Sara lays
a hand along the side of his face and smiles, “I’d really like to walk. There’s
nothing like a spring night in
Gil nods
his head and motions to the doorman again, “Looks like the lady wants to walk.”
The man
chuckles and tips his hat to them. “Good night for it. Enjoy.”
Pulling
the shawl up to wrap it around her shoulders again, Gil brings her tight to his
side and then they start off down street. The sounds of the city and the
clicking of their shoes on the bricks are the only things following them down
the street.
Their
strides are short, the pace slow and easy. Just two people casually walking the
lamp lit streets of the colonial city. Their movements appear almost
synchronous as they turn the corner on the way to their hotel.
Feeling
the warmth of his body when Gil squeezes her a little tighter, Sara sighs with
the contact. “Are you okay?”
She leans
her head into him and smiles at his concern. “Just enjoying
the moment.”
“Are you
sure? Because if you’re tired we can always…” He raises his arm to try and hail
a cab before Sara stops him.
“Would
you stop that? I’m fine.” Shaking her head, she suddenly thinks there might be
another reason for his desire to take a cab. “Are your knees okay? Is that why
you want to ride?”
Gil
instantly puts aside her fears. “Not at all. In fact,
thanks to this wonderful woman who makes me take all my supplements, my knees
haven’t felt this good in years.”
His answer
makes her smile. “Well, good…because you have some work to do.”
His gives
her a puzzled look and asks, “And what would that be?”
“By my
calculations, with tonight’s stunning sixth place finish in a major chess
tournament…” He groans at her mention of his defeat, but she smirks and
continues, “You have just completed your first list. So, you need to start a
new one.”
Gil stops
them both in an instant. “I hadn’t thought about that, but you’re right.” He
shakes his head as he takes the time to analyze the new knowledge. “Wait, you
still have one or two, don’t you?”
“No, not really.” She tries to get him moving again, but he only frowns as
he counts the items off in his head.
When he
refuses to step forward, she begins calling them out, “I walked in the footsteps
of
His smile
is broad at the mention of her last item. “While I am quite pleased with that
last one, that’s still only eight, and I know for a fact we agreed on ten
things each.”
Sara
smirks at his ability to count. “Well, technically, I’m already doing one of
them, and the last one has to wait a while longer.” She snakes her arm around
the back of his waist and urges him forward again.
“You
obviously don’t want to tell me the last one.” He begins walking again as he
holds onto the hand she rests on his belt. “But what are you already doing?”
With her
head resting on his shoulder, Sara sighs as she holds him closer. Two steps
later, they are standing in front of their hotel when she says, “I’m spending
the rest of my life being in love with my husband.”
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Sitting
motionless upon the couch in his living room, Jim Brass is still trying to
process the news as he asks, “What happened?”
Gil stares
into the bottom of his empty glass, his face a perfect marble façade, and
casually answers his friend. “We were in
Catherine
comes in with a fresh bottle and she winces at the pain in his expression.
Setting the bottle down between them, she carefully seats herself beside Jim. “When
did you figure out it was something more?”
His head
twisted from side to side, in an almost mechanical motion, devoid of any human characteristics.
“In
Jim’s
voice betrays his incredulity. “And you bought that?”
He
reaches out for the bottle and pours himself two more fingers of Scotch. “I
wanted to… Sara was the one who made me believe it. By the time we got to
“When we got to
Catherine
sits forward and lays a comforting hand on Gil’s knee. “You know that’s not
true, Gil. Knowing meant you understood just how important your time really was.”
“I
already knew that, Catherine. That’s why we were out gallivanting across the
globe.” He reaches up to wipe the frustration away with his hand over his face,
but it is still there when he finishes. “We both spent so much of our lives in
service of something else, someone else. Waiting for that time to come when the
guilt, or the duty, or whatever it was that held us back from our dreams would
let go. But together…even before we found out…together, we were living out all
of our greatest wishes.”
Jim
snorts at the mention of wishes. “Let me guess… You both had one of those
lists, right?”
Gil
finally looks up at them, and they can see the surprise in his eyes. “Yes, we
did. Why?” Catherine smiles. She knows how Jim feels
about those last wish lists.
He is a
live for the day kind of man, and in his line of work, it really is the only
way to survive. Jim never leaves something up to tomorrow. If he wants it, he does
it. From fishing trips in Central America to last minute weekends in
Jim
decides this is not the time to berate his friend and lets him off easy. “Just
that you two are the kind of people who make lists like that, instead of doing
the things you want, when you want.”
“Well,
regardless of timing, we did them all. In fact, we had done most of them before
we even found out.” Gil relaxes a little with his last statement, and sits back
in the chair.
“What was
on your lists?” Catherine’s curiosity gets the better of her, and they all need
a break from the seriousness of the conversation.
“Lots of things. Most of it fanciful, but some of it was important. Going to the rainforest, seeing the Pyramids,
“Working
vacations, Gil? Why doesn’t that surprise me?” Catherine chuffs at his
description.
Jim
nudges her and gives a wink when he says, “Oh please, talking bugs, with a
captive audience… That’s like a dream come true for him.” They all manage a
small chuckle at his joke, and it’s the first laughter they have experienced
since Gil’s arrival.
As the
somber mood descends upon them again, Catherine works to keep them talking.
“What did you do after you found out?”
Gil
releases a deep sigh and removes his glasses, slumping down in the chair before
he answers her. “Once we were absolutely certain there were no other options,
we went back to our schedule. We were in
Jim’s confusion
is evident on his face as he sits up on the edge of the couch next to
Catherine. “What was next?”
“Yes.”
Gil shakes his head and laughs. “Sara wanted to know what was next on the list.
She insisted that nothing had changed, and we were going to finish exactly what
we had set out to do in the first place. I was informed that it was not only our
honeymoon, but also every vacation we had ever given up in the name of duty,
and I had better make it worth it.”
Catherine’s
laugh fills the air. “Atta Girl!”
Jim
smirks, “Now that sounds like Sara.”
“Indeed.
She signed me up for a chess tournament in
“You wanted to go shopping?!” Catherine is
flabbergasted.
Sitting
forward in the chair, Gil places his glass on the coffee table and puts on one
of his smug grins. “I had the opportunity and the means to spoil Sara for the
first time in my life. I was not about to pass it up.”
Jim gives
her another gentle nudge with his elbow as he adds, “Or the chance to dress her
up in something other than those bulky sweaters and sensible shoes.”
Nodding,
Gil agrees, “Precisely.”
“Okay,
now that…I’ll buy.” And Catherine
sits back to let Gil continue.
“By the
time I competed in the chess tournament, we had ostensibly accomplished our
lists, save for one item Sara wasn’t ready for yet. So, we decided to use our
time visiting with as many people as we could before it was too late. Saw Greg
in
Catherine
interjects her thanks, “Which she is still thrilled about, thank you very
much.”
“It was a
milestone we were both honored to share with you.” He nods to the two of them
before going back to listing off their adventures.
“We visited some colleagues in D.C. when Sara was asked to testify at a
congressional hearing. Took a trip to
“Where’d
you go? It just seemed like the two of you dropped off the planet the last few
months,” Catherine expresses her concern.
“Almost…
I took Sara back to
“Dogs are
funny that way.” Jim speaks only to give Gil time to collect himself.
“I
suppose you’re right… But anyway, she was happy there, so I called up a realtor
and found us a little rental cottage on the shore out near Pescadero.”
He is almost serene as he describes their time on the shore. “She loved that
cottage. It was different from the shore at
“What did
you do out there?” Catherine: always the one to find the flaw in
the lack of excitement.
“When she
was up for it, we walked on the beach. We watched Hank chasing crabs and
attacking the surf. But mostly we sat out on the deck or the beach and read,
and talked, and just listened to the waves.” His smile brightens as he recounts
their days in the cottage. “It was such a gift to have that time together, at
peace with each other, and with ourselves.”
Jim sees
that he is finally ready to tell them why he has darkened their door. “How did
it happen?”
“Quietly…
As she lay sleeping in my arms out on the deck. I managed
to find enough clams for lunch that morning, we had
just finished a wonderful meal. Sara wasn’t eating very much by then, but she
said it smelled so wonderful that she just had to try. She was pretty weak, and
I tried to get her to go lie down in the bedroom while I cleaned up from
lunch.” He chuckles, but it feels cheerless. “But you know how Sara is when
she’s got her mind on something… So, she talked me into reading to her out on
the deck. And I loved reading to her.”
He can
practically see the lump rising in Catherine’s throat as Gil talks about their
last moments together, and Jim takes her hand. The gesture is well-received,
but he knows it’s just as much for him as it is for her.
“She
curled up against my side, rested her head on my shoulder, and laid her hand
over my heart as I read our favorite Wordsworth.” He looks over to see their
blank stares and he gives them the most famous line from the Ode. “What though the radiance which was once so bright. be now for ever taken from my sight, though nothing can
bring back the hour of splendour in the grass…”
Jim nods,
“..of glory in the flower, we will grieve not, rather
find strength in what remains behind...” Catherine looks at him as though he’s
just grown a second head and he shrugs. “What can I say, I’m a Renaissance
man.” She rolls her eyes at him, but it is short lived as Gil continues his
tale.
“When I
finished the Ode, Sara sighed, and snuggled in a little tighter. I put down the
book and wrapped both arms around her to keep her warm. I must have drifted off
myself, because I woke with a start. “I tried to wake her, but…” He lets loose
a heavy sigh as the words fall out of his mouth, “She was gone.”
The power
of his words leaves the room in complete silence for what seems like forever.
Jim finds
it hard to imagine living in a world without Sara around to keep things
interesting. And as hard as it is for him to imagine, he knows that his friend
is completely devastated by the prospect of a life without the woman he has
loved for so long.
The words
are too hard to say, and he is only able to strangle one out. “When?”
Gil
visibly shakes himself out of the fog and calculates the time in his mind. “Ah, about six weeks ago.”
“My God, Gil! Why didn’t you at least call?” Catherine is reeling from the news.
“And say
what exactly?” He shakes his head.
“I know
you aren’t good with this stuff, Gil, but you could have at least had the
funeral home send out a notice for the service.” Jim tries to keep Catherine
calm with his suggestion.
“No
service.” Gil exhales sharply and leans back in the chair again. “We talked
about it…even before all of this. Sara never wanted a funeral. She wanted
people to remember her for the life she lived, not the end she met.”
“That’s
all fine, good and well, but funerals aren’t always about the person who died.
They’re also for the ones they left behind.” Catherine grows more indignant
with every word. “Did you ever think that we would want to be there for you?
That maybe we needed time to say goodbye? We didn’t get those seven/eight
months to make peace with this.”
“That was
all Sara.” Gil shakes his head as it rests on the back of the chair. “She said
the last thing she wanted was for everyone to stand around and wait for her to
die. To disrupt their lives out of some sense of guilt, because they were
healthy.” Jim watches the tears fall down his cheeks as Gil shares their
reasoning. “She told me it was the only thing she had to give the people in our
lives, the freedom from survivor’s guilt, and the little bit of time she had
left.”
Jim hands
Catherine the handkerchief from his back pocket as her tears begin to flow
freely with their friend’s explanation. He watches painfully while Gil stares
up at the ceiling as he struggles to regain his composure, not once
acknowledging the salty streaks trailing from his wrinkled eyes. His own eyes are heavy with the emotions being shared there
today.
“So,” Jim
chokes back the sob threatening to give him away, “why now?”
“What?”
Gil brings his gaze back to his friends.
“It’s
been six weeks, why are you here, telling us all of this now?”
He huffs
out a strangled laugh with Jim’s question. “Well, I guess that’s Sara’s fault,
too.”
Catherine
finally finds her voice again. “What do you mean?”
Gil sits
forward once more, nervously pulling on his pant legs to straighten them as he
does. “I was stuck. Hadn’t left the cottage since the
cremation. I just couldn’t bring myself to live in a world where the sun
continued to shine and everyone else’s lives could go on without a notice.”
Shaking
her head in confusion, Catherine asks, “I don’t understand… You blamed Sara
for-”
“No… Not
for that. That was all my own doing. No, I blame Sara for saving her last wish.”
A smile begins to play across his lips as Gil recounts his tale. “Laura brought
Hank to the cottage after about a month of not hearing from me, even though she
called nearly every day.”
“You
holed up in that cottage for a month?” Jim is surprised to learn the depth of
Gil’s depression.
“Yeah…”
He nods solemnly, in a gesture that shows Jim he has accepted his failing, but
the strength in his voice when he continues to explain lets him know Gil is on
the mend.
“When
Laura got there she let me know exactly where her daughter got the stubbornness
from. Pushed her way in, opened up all the windows and dragged me out into the
sunshine. Once we were out there she told me that I needed to get the hell out
of there and do what Sara wanted.” He shakes his head in disbelief. “I had no
idea what she was talking about, and I told her as much. That was when she
pulled an envelope out of her pocket and handed it to me. It was addressed to
her on stationary from the hospital in
“What did
it say?” Jim is curious about the contents of such an important note.
“It just
said, ‘Mom, I can’t explain right now, but I need you to do me a favor. I’ve
never asked you for very much, so think of this as my one wish. When the time
is right, I need you to tell Gil to go home. Love Always, Sara.’”
“Go home?
What kind of message is that?” Catherine is troubled by Sara’s cryptic request.
“The best kind.” His smirk tells Jim that things are not nearly as bleak
as he first imagined. “You see, when we first decided to give this thing we had
a try, we had a discussion about the definition of home. I argued that home was
where you kept your secrets and built your dreams, but Sara had a much
different answer. She believed that home was the place your heart rested, where
you knew the love of others. That it wasn’t anything so
simple as a house or an apartment, because it wasn’t a place at all. When I went
to
Gil
covers the hand Catherine is resting on the arm of the couch and squeezes it as
he explains, “And now, with Sara passed, the cottage wasn’t home anymore. So, I
had to leave.” The tears are once more streaming down Catherine’s face, and
this time Jim is unable to stop his own tears.
Taking a
deep breath as he lets go of Catherine’s hand, Gil scrambles to his feet.
Walking over to the window, he looks away from his friends as he continues to
speak, “After that, it was Hank who really turned me around.”
“How?”
Catherine holds onto Jim’s knee as her anchor while she waits for Gil’s answer.
“He had
this old shoe of Sara’s. Actually, it was his first act of defiance when he was
a puppy. Sara got after him for making a mess in the kitchen, so he went
straight into the closet and stole one of her Hush Puppy boots. She found him
lying on the bed, gnawing on her favorite pair of shoes. “
Gil out and out laughs at the memory. “She was so mad,
I swear she could have roasted that dog alive, if…”
“If
what?”
He turns
and his smile is wide and bright, and Jim can see the light in his eyes as he
explains, “He dropped the shoe on the bed, went into the closet and got out the
other shoe. Then he dropped it at Sara’s feet, sat in perfect position, looked
up at her, and started wagging his tail on the floor.” The three of them laugh
at the image Gil presents.
“Those
shoes became their connection after that, and I knew I had to share my dog.
When she was…gone.” He pauses to give the weight of his words their due. “Hank
would curl up with both shoes every night. When she was home, he would leave
the unchewed shoe at the foot of our bed, and take
the chewed up one to his bed.”
With the
light still in his eyes, Jim can see the sadness fall over Gil’s face as he
finishes, “When Laura brought him back to the cottage, he went and got the good
shoe from his bag and dropped it in my lap. I started crying right then and
there. That was when I realized I hadn’t shed a single tear since the day Sara
left me. But they weren’t the same tears. It was blind grief that fueled my
tears the first time. This was different.”
Gil
smiles at them this time, and they can see acceptance in his face. He is coming
to terms with Sara’s passing, and this is just another step in that process.
“Sara left me with so much. She gave me all of the time she had to give, but
there was a lot more than that. I had Hank and I had her shoe.”
“Gil… Her shoe?” Catherine is unable to hide her incredulity.
Jim
closes his eyes, because he can finally see what this has all be leading up to,
and he knows what’s about to come.
“Yeah, she
left me with her heart and sole.”