DATE: May 2007

TITLE: Silence, NV

AUTHOR: losingntrnslatn (LosingInTranslation, Jennifer)

DISCLAIMER: Don’t own anything associated with the show… I just like playing with the characters in it from time to time. Dance Monkeys! Dance!

RATING: T - Teen (language)

PAIRINGS: GSR.

SPOILERS: Through 7X23 - The Good, The Bad, & The Dominatrix

SUMMARY: Sara tries to figure out what to do after given a hard dose of the truth. GSR ANGST! Post Ep for 7X23.

A/N: I needed to do something to deal with the train wreck of an episode that 7X23 was for me. I really hate the way they handled all of that crap. So, this is my sulking fic.

I can't believe I did it! I managed to write a chapter piece that wasn't an epic. Okay, so it was originally supposed to be a one shot, so I can't consider it a total victory. Much love goes out to my Guerilla Beta, who helped to assuage my fears of getting to far out in to the ether with my angst over that blasted episode. And you can thank her for this not taking any longer than it did to write. She's a little relentless when it comes to finding out what happens as fast as possible. Also, some of the inspiration for this story came from my own guerilla beta work. So, go check out "Confrontation" by Tyria as well.

REMINDER: Please don't post any spoilerish comments in the reviews. There are a lot of us who are unspoiled, and it's not nice to ambush us like that. :(

REVIEWS: Reviews are the way I know if people are enjoying the work or not. So, if you leave one, THANKS! And if not, I hope you found at least a little something to brighten your day, and thanks for taking the time to read.

Silence, NV

When Sadie got up from end of the chaise lounge and walked to the gate, Sara looked up from the book she had been pretending to read for the last two hours. She should have known who it would be. She should have known it wouldn’t be him.

She turned back to the book as soon the dog recognized the intruder to her silence. She hoped her disappointment wasn’t too obvious she quietly said, “You heard?”

He bent down to greet the happy retriever as he shrugged and answered, “Who hasn’t?” Standing up, he reached for the patio door and slipped into the house, only to come right back out carrying a couple of beers. He held one out for her. “Beer?”

She reached over to the table beside her and picked up the bottle which was already there. “I helped myself.”

Shrugging again, he flopped down into the lounge chair beside her and replied, “That’s what they’re there for.” He flipped off the cap by tapping it on the arm of the chair, and then took a long pull off of the cold drink. “Man… It’s already gettin’ hot out here.” He rolled the bottle over his forehead briefly before settling in to the chair and beginning to pet the loyal creature sitting beside him on the patio.

They were silent for a little while longer as she continued to use the book as a dodge. Eventually the empty space between them became too much for her and she asked the question, even though she already knew the answer. "Who told you?"

They both replied, at the same time, "Brass."

She rolled her eyes, dropped the book into her lap and shook her head. “I should’ve known.”

“Yeah, well… I guess he figured that you’d be hidin’ out over here.”

“I am not hiding out!” She tried her best to keep the indignity firmly fixed in her expression, but the moment he turned his face to look at her, it fell away. “I just…didn’t want…to go home…yet.”

“You don’t owe me anything, Sara… I’m just glad you feel comfortable enough to come here.” He took another long draw on the bottle and then stared at it for a few moments, watching the sweat run down the outside of the glass. “Anyway, Jim had too much on his plate, so he gave me the heads up… Just in case.”

She released a heavy sigh, and he knew she was getting ready to talk, so he simply waited it out. He was starting to get pretty good at this talking thing.

“I just… I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing about this. How I’m supposed to feel… Where I’m supposed to be…” He looked over to see that she had her eyes squeezed tightly shut, and he knew she was fighting some serious demons behind those lids.

“It’s not about that, Sara… It’s about what you really feel. Don’t try and tailor yourself to some ‘supposed to be.’” He reached over and put his hand on her forearm to emphasize his next words. “We both know how that turns out, and I don’t want to see either of us in that place again.” When she nodded her understanding, he simply asked, “How do you feel, now that you know?”

“I wish I’d never found out.” Her voice was so timid, that he almost didn’t recognize it. That changed when she threw her head back into the lounge and groaned, just before she launched into the rant he’d been waiting for.

“It was better when I was just suffering in silence, never really knowing about their relationship, never knowing how much she meant, never knowing that they were really together, never hearing all the gory fucking details from Catherine!”

That was one he couldn’t let slide. “Whoa there… Back up a step. Catherine? Really? Since when does Grissom tell her squat? You know she’s just talkin’ out her ass on that one; piecing crap together, with gossip and assumptions.” He waited until she looked away to know that she had really heard him and then asked, “What did Grissom say?”

She came back with one of those sideways death glares and snidely remarked, “It’s Grissom… Since when does he actually say anything?” Nick could feel the heat of her glare, but it was nothing compared to the searing flames in her words.

He shook his head and chuckled, “Man… I’m glad I’m not you.”

“Just what does that mean?” She turned in the lounge until her feet were planted on the ground.

“It means…” He had been holding back his frustration with their bizarre relationship for months, so he was not about to waste the best opportunity he’d ever been given to lay it all out on the line. “You’re both too damn pig-headed, stubborn and unwilling to show your cards to ever actually have a real conversation. You both’d rather suffer in silence than to deal with the truth, if you think it might get a little messy. Quit bein’ afraid and just do it! Ask the man what he feels. Tell him how you feel. Just stop walkin’ around on egg shells and expectin’ the other one to make the first move.” He could see her shock at his outburst, but he knew it had to be said.

Sara fell back into the chair with a flop, and he rubbed Sadie’s ear to keep her calm as he waited for her response. After a few more moments she asked, “How long have you been holding that back?”

He chuffed at her question and frankly answered, “Too long…obviously.”

They sat on the patio for a while, staring off into space, warming their bodies in the rising sun. For all outward appearances, it was quiet, but inside they were each waging battles with the information they possessed. Nick knew that she was trying to reconcile what he said to what she felt, and he was simply hoping that he hadn’t crossed a line in their friendship.

He felt a strange responsibility to Sara, but also to the couple, as one of the few people aware of their situation. She had never come right out and told him about her relationship with Grissom, instead they seemed to just understand what the other was going through. From their conversations, they had each figured things out on their own. While he and Sara had always shared a special bond, this was something else entirely; their common understanding.

That commonality became even clearer when the solitude of their patio refuge was disturbed as Sadie jumped up with the entrance of another. “Is that one for me?” Nick looked up over the back of the lounge chair with one eye open to find a smiling face waiting to greet him. He smiled back and she bent down to kiss him.

When she rose up from their little display of affection, he answered, “Ah, it might be a little warm now…” He grabbed for the unopened beer and was about to get up. “Have a seat and I’l-”

“Nah… I’m just kidding.” She smiled at their guest and greeted her before crouching down to pet the dog, “Hey, Sara. Rough night, huh?” Sara’s only answer was to shyly smile. “You two have fun… I’ve gotta go in early tonight, so…” She got up from her crouch and then leaned over to kiss Nick’s forehead before she finished, “I’m just gonna go to bed. See ya later.” She winked at Nick, waved and walked back into the house with Sadie in tow.

Sara turned back to the house and called, “’Night, Mandy… I’m almost done with him.” She faced Nick, winced and said, “I hope I didn’t get you into trouble.”

Nick looked into the house and shrugged, “No way… She’s just been pulling a bunch of OT since Jacqui left.” He forced a puff of air through his nose in a snort and said, “She even fell asleep at the movies the other night.”

“How’s the radar looking these days?”

He immediately shook off her concern about the possible discovery of their situations. “Nobody’s even got a clue. Greg’s still too frustrated with that lawsuit crap, Warrick’s got his head buried in his marital troubles, the lab rats are too busy scramblin’ around for position and Catherine… Well, Cath’s got her own drama to contend with.” He gave her a careful wink and finished with, “Besides, she has way too much fun flying off the handle with wild gossip to see what’s really goin’ on. I think we’re all still in the clear.”

Sara shook her head and replied, “The way she was going on the other day I thought for sure she was nailing me to the wall.”

“Nah… There’s no way she would’ve done that on purpose. Even Catherine isn’t that big of a bitch.” His next wink made Sara blush a little, because he knew that she thought differently, but that was in the past. He knew enough about Catherine to know that she wouldn’t intentionally try to hurt anyone like that. “Anyway, you don’t think if she knew, she wouldn’t be making Grissom’s life a living hell? You’d just be small potatoes in that game.”

Sara nodded her head and slid back to the end of the lounge. “You’re probably right.” She slowly rose to her feet. “Well, I should get going.”

Nick stood up as well. “Why don’t you just chill out for a little while and I’ll get us someth-”

“Don’t worry…I walked over. I’ll be fine.” She reached out to hold his arm and then leaned over to kiss him on the cheek. “Thanks, but I have some things to work out before I go home. So…I’ll just take another walk.”

He walked with her to the gate. “If you need anything… You know where to find me.”

“Yeah, I know…” She started to walk down the path away from the backyard when she stopped and softly called back, “Thanks…for not letting me stay in silence.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The mornings were definitely getting warmer as the calendar plowed through the last remaining days of spring. Before long, she wouldn’t be able to stand the heat of day. As she walked along the jogging path through the pseudo-park that sat between two housing developments, Sara drank in the warmth of the sun’s rays, enjoying the rare opportunity to get out during the day. Working nights often kept her from existing in the daylight, and when she was up during the day, she was usually working in the lab.

Fortunately she always kept her sunglasses in her purse, instead of in the car, because the sun would have been blinding for her tired and unaccustomed eyes. They were dark, huge, and funky, and best yet; no one thought they were something she ever would have bought. That was exactly why she bought them in the first place. That, and the fact that Grissom hated them. He hated those glasses just as much as she hated that damned straw hat.

Normally, she strode through the park with a purpose. Or she ran through it on the other end of Bruno’s leash. This was the first time she had ever taken the time to look around. As another runner with a dog passed her, she started to feel guilty for not having stopped to pick Bruno up before she went to Nick and Mandy’s.

He always liked playing with Sadie, but he loved being able to run along with her in the park. Bruno simply loved to run, but he never liked to do it alone. She had doubled over in laughter the first time Grissom tried to set him loose in the dog park to run. The little devil had taken a few strides once the leash was off, but when no one followed he was right back at their side. It wasn’t until she pushed off to chase him that the dog found the desire to run again. She spent the next two days dealing with a sulking Grissom until Bruno finally broke the stalemate by spending the entire morning with his head in Gil’s lap as he worked in the office. After a while Bruno’s guilty whimpers broke through his wounded pride and found it impossible to hold the dog’s love of running with her against him.

The next thing to pass her on the path was a tiny little fur-ball of a dog on the end of a leash being held by an elderly couple. Seeing them slowly make their way down the path together, holding on to one another gave a great deal more weight to her heart. As she passed them and walked away she heaved a deep sigh. The sight of such a happy and comfortable couple only showed her how far she was from having a relationship that could even be compared to them.

They’d been together for nearly a year and yet she could count on one hand the number of actual conversations they’d engaged in. And the only time he ever truly told her how he felt was in a letter he had written and never sent. He simply left it in a book on her bedside table and waited for her to notice it.

At the time, she had been so thrilled to read the letter that it hadn’t even dawned on her that he was still holding her at arm’s length. That he still hadn’t told her the one thing that would have wiped away all of her doubts, that would have healed all of the wounds his thoughtless actions had created, that would have kept her waiting for him figure it all out for eternity. And now, after everything else that had happened over the course of the last few days, she wasn’t even sure that she wanted him to say it anymore. She wasn’t sure if he was the same person she had always believed he was, and that was what bothered her the most.

She always believed that they could withstand most anything, because she thought that above all other things, she at least had faith in the bond they shared. But his actions over the last few days had shaken her to the core. Coming so close on the heels of his surprise sabbatical Sara felt like the rug had been ripped out from under her for the last time. She didn’t think she could handle anymore thoughtlessness, anymore carelessness, anymore rejection or anymore betrayal.

That was what hurt her more than anything else, his betrayal of her trust. She trusted him to be honest with her, even if that honesty never came in words. But he took that trust and trampled on it by abandoning her to the innuendo and gossip that surrounded his actions, because he never once took the time to let her know what was going on. She’d been waiting with Bruno most of the morning for him to get home after her shift, but when she finally succumbed to sleep it was in a bed warmed only by her faithful canine companion.

As she made her way up the sidewalk that led to their house, to his house, she had made her decision. She wasn’t going to sit idly by any longer. She felt as though she deserved some answers. After all of their time together she felt like she had earned those answers.

When she entered the door, she turned to close it, and heard the careful clinking of Bruno’s nails over the stone floor as he slowly came to greet her in the entryway. As she turned to find his whimpering hello, Sara bent down greet her faithful friend.

“What’s the matter, buddy? Haven’t you gotten your breakfast yet?” She looked around and found no keys on the entry table, nor a jacket on its peg. Sara lowered her head and rested it against the dog’s neck when she realized that she was the first one home.

Slowly standing up, she patted her hand against her leg and started to walk into the darkened house. “C’mon, Bruno… We’ll get you something to eat before I go.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The garage door slowly rose, revealing the presence of Sara’s little hybrid in its usual spot. A faint smile played at the corner of his mouth at the sight. There was something oddly comforting about seeing her car in the garage. He knew that if her car was there, that she was home, that she was safe, and most importantly, that all was right with his world.

He carefully pulled the Mercedes into the open spot of the garage and as he put it into park he gathered up his files and other things from the seat beside him before he removed the safety belt. With a heaving sigh, he wearily pulled himself up out of the car. It had been a very long couple of days, and his body felt every single minute of it.

His mind had been filled with solving the mysterious behavior of Heather Kessler. He was so surprised to see her in such a depressed and vulnerable state when he entered the hospital room that he initially failed to even notice Sara was there to collect evidence. The moment her presence registered in his mind, her careful and strained words were somewhat lost in his puzzled mind. It wasn’t until much later, when he was questioning her about the case later at the lab, that he even realized Sara was struggling with the situation. But he wasn’t able to make a connection with that realization. Not until Brass had practically ripped his head off for his insensitive behavior did he truly understand what ass he had been in that layout room.

Grissom reached up to trigger the garage door, and then fumbled with his files when they tried to slip out of his grip. He shook his head with the thought that he seemed to be fumbling with a great many things of late. His confrontation with Catherine had been especially difficult. He knew that she was only fishing, but he was so distracted by everything going on that he nearly slipped and told her exactly why she didn’t have anything to worry about with himself in connection to Heather. Fortunately, he caught himself before divulging his reasons, because knowledge of his actual relationship would have only complicated things further. He also owed Sara so much more than a careless admission in the heat of an argument with Catherine, of all people.

Eventually, he got his files under control, and he opened the back door of the house. When he stepped inside, it was strangely dark. But when Bruno failed to greet him at the door, he decided that Sara must have gotten tired of waiting up for him. Again.

Their schedules had always been a bone of contention between them. She often arranged her schedule around his, simply because it was harder for him, as a supervisor, to get away from the lab at a reasonable hour. But when he was prepared to make time for her, many times she would get caught up in a case. It was the frequent topic of conversation during their infrequent discussions.

For a man whose mind practically burst with the deep and meaningful words of countless others, he had precious few to offer this woman who was sharing his life. He did all that he could to offer her something of his thoughts, but more often than not, he knew that she was left to pick up the breadcrumbs of his feelings. He could only hope that Sara continued to follow his trail until he found a way to truly open up to her.

He set the files and his keys down on the kitchen table before he went to the refrigerator to get a small glass of juice. He needed something in his system or he would never be able to sleep through the night. As he thought of his own blood sugar, he considered again the scene he was witness to at the hospital.

It was simply inconceivable to him that Heather would have accidentally forgotten to tell the medical personnel about her diabetes, or that she would have been without her medical alert identification at any time. He chastised himself for not having caught on from that very blatant sign of her fragile state of mind. His only solace came from the fact that he figured it out in time to save her from such a drastic and damning choice, and because of his decision to help reunite Heather with her granddaughter.

The whole ordeal had been taxing and he was ready to just take quick hot shower and slip into bed to sleep the day away with his arms around Sara. There was nothing more comforting to him than to nuzzle into her neck as he covered her body with his own. That first deep breath as he woke would instantly fill his senses with her, and could think of no other way he wanted to wake for the rest of his life.

As he reached out for the handle of hall bathroom door, his attention was instantly shifted to the bedroom. He was sure that he heard Sara’s voice, and as he looked at the closed door he could see traces of light escaping from bottom. He wasn’t able to make out what she said, or who she was talking to, but it became very obvious to him that she was still awake.

He changed his direction and walked straight to the bedroom. When he reached out for the door knob, he heard her again.

“Will you stop? I do not want to play right now.”

He smirked when he realized that she was apparently having a disagreement with the dog. Her voice was strained, and he decided that she must be just as tired as he was, so her patience for Bruno’s little games was obviously at an all-time low.

His intent was to relieve her of the dog’s distraction so that she could get to bed, but when he opened the door he was frozen with unbelievable fear at the sight his eyes beheld. He was shocked into catatonia the moment he saw her suitcase on the bed. It wasn’t until she crossed the room that he was able to recognize that Sara was even there.

Struggling to find his breath, he fought to make his presence known, but it was Bruno who finally noticed him as he left Sara’s side to great him.

“Thank you…” Her voice quivered and he watched as she reached up to her face before she continued, “I know you just want to play, but I need to do this, buddy.”

His voice finally returned. “Do what?”

Sara instantly spun around at the sound of his timid words. The moment he saw her face, he became confused and even more frightened. There were damp trails over her cheeks and her eyes were puffy and rimmed with red. Sara did not cry over trivial things.

She struggled to provide him with an answer, but nothing came out of her mouth before she quickly turned back to the suitcase and began folding a shirt.

“Sara?”

“I didn’t…expect you back this morning.” Her words were spoken with a stilted voice, filled with emotion.

His only thoughts were focused solely on his combative conversation with Brass from the day before, where Jim told him that he was going to lose her if he didn’t change his behavior, and fast. He felt like he was in a nightmare come to life, and he could do nothing wake himself up.

When she went to the closet to retrieve another batch of shirts, he tried to get some information. “Are you going on a trip?”

She huffed and bit back a response that seemed to die on her lips. When she returned to the suitcase she spoke with her back to him. “No… Not a trip.”

“Sara, what’s goi-”

“I called to get the milk delivery cancelled.” She finished folding the shirts and placed them in the suitcase before crossing to the closet again. “I moved the other plants into the bathroom and the kitchen so you wouldn’t forget to water them.”

She continued to flit around the room gathering up things to put in the suitcase as she nervously spoke. “The stuff outside should be fine, as long as you don’t turn off the timer for the sprinkler’s again.” Sara grabbed an armful of things from the top drawer of the dresser and went back to the case on the bed. “Bruno has an appointment at the vet’s on Monday. The reminder card is on the fridge. And it’ll be easier on him if you remember to take a stool sample with you.”

He shook his head in total disbelief when he asked, “Where are you going to be?”

“Ah, I’m not sure yet.” She hurriedly began to stuff the undergarments into the pocket of the case as she stumbled through her words. “I-I’ll probably just check-in to one of those suites places, until I can figure it out.”

He finally found the ability to move and he took the few steps he needed to stand behind her. He held up his hands to take her shoulders, but was too frightened to actually touch her. “Where are you going?”

Her shoulders instantly tensed the moment she felt him standing directly behind her. She labored to answer his question, but her heart fought hard to make her fall back into his arms. She took in a strangled breath before trying to turn the focus away again. “I also talked to the kid next door, and if you need him to, he can take Bruno out for a run a few times a week. He’s training for some triathalon, so he shouldn’t have any trouble keeping up with the little guy.”

She was about to move away from him again, trying to keep some physical distance between them to make things easier. Originally, when she found that he had still not returned to the house, she intended to pack a bag for a week and to leave him a note. But as she set out to leave the place she once thought of as her home, she kept finding other things she felt she needed to do before she left. By the time she actually made it to the bedroom, it was nearly noon.

She never imagined just how difficult leaving it all behind would really be, and how quickly she would regret her decision. However, no matter how much regret she felt, she knew that she couldn’t live in silence any longer. She’d lived in silence as a child, and it had cost her everything. She couldn’t put herself through that any longer. She simply could not relive the mistakes of the past.

With her resolve somewhat returned, she stepped away from the suitcase and him. “Don’t forget to give Bruno those treats in the cupboard once a week. They’re the ones with his medici-”

She was stopped from talking when he grabbed her by the arms and brought her back into his chest. His words were felt, more than heard, as he desperately asked, “Sara, what’s wrong?” Sara squeezed her eyes shut and railed against her desire to simply turn into his grasp and forget about everything. However, his next words reminded her exactly why she couldn’t. “I-I don’t understand.”

Pulling sharply out of his grasp, she snorted, “Of course not.” Sara moved to the garment bag she had hanging from the closet door and stuffed a pair of dress shoes into the bottom before she zipped it up.

He stood in utter disbelief, completely frazzled by her curious behavior. He searched his mind for some clue, for some hint as to why she would be acting in such a way. He couldn’t recall a single incident where she showed him any indication that she was so unhappy, with him or with their relationship. He was at a total loss in figuring out why she would be willing to throw away everything they had fought so hard to achieve.

When she tried to move past him again he snapped out of his stupor and placed himself between her and the suitcase. He watched as she ground her jaw, and he could see that her tears were as barely contained as the intense emotion he saw in her eyes.

“Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.” Her words were spoken through her clenched teeth, but the pain he felt pouring from them nearly broke his heart. He ached when he saw the suffering in her eyes, because he just knew that somehow he was responsible for it.

“Sara… I don’t want to make anything hard for you.” When he watched her posture become defensive, he held up his hands in a gesture of surrender. “But I cannot just stand here and simply let you walk away.”

The set of her jaw instantly told him that he had chosen the wrong thing to say. “I don’t need you to let me do anything.” He could tell that she had a million other things to say, but she was struggling to contain her anger. He hated to see her anger take over her features, but more than that, he was afraid that he was the source of her anger this time.

“Please, Sara… Just talk to m-”

“Don’t… Don’t ask for something you don’t mean.” Her control on her emotions was running thin, and she was afraid that if she had to explain it all right then and there, that she would cave. She would cave, and her worst fears would finally come true.

“Why would you say that?” The horribly confused and hurt look on his face only served to confirm her suspicions; she had been suffering in silence for far too long.

“Because it’s the truth.” She heard the quiver in her voice and hated that her own emotions were betraying her resolve. “And I can’t live like that anymore.” The tears were no longer holding at bay, and as they slipped down her cheeks, she felt her lip begin to tremble. She despised feeling so weak, but she also refused to let get go of the sources of her weakness; her humanity and her compassion.

He felt like everything was crumbling down around him with each tenuous tremble of her lip, and he still couldn’t think of a single event that would have brought on this kind of reaction. Except…

“Is this because of the case with Heather?”

When he watched the wave of anger wash over her face, he knew that he had once again chosen the wrong thing to say.

“Do you really think I’m that shallow? Do you honestly believe that I am so pathetic that something like that would make me leave?” Each of her words was like a sharpened arrow tearing through his heart, because of the pain carried in every syllable.

“I’m sorry…” He dropped onto the edge of the bed and demonstrated his resignation in the slump of his shoulders. “I just-I don’t understand where this is coming from. You’ve never given me any indica-”

“And that’s why I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t keep living in silence. I just can’t do it anymore.” She dropped onto the other side of the bed, keeping her back to him as she felt the last of her strength fall away. “I just can’t be…that person.”

He shook his head, not understanding why she would feel that way. “I’ve never asked for anything like that.”

“No… You didn’t.” She sighed when she realized that the failure of their relationship was just as much her fault. “But I’ve lived in terror that just one wrong word and the whole thing would fall apart.” Closing her eyes, Sara faced the reality she’d been dreading for months. “And if I don’t stop it now…” The words were not easy for her to say out loud, and they became strangled in her throat.

Before she could find a way to give voice to her greatest fear, she felt his hands closing over hers. She was so caught up in finding a way to speak her fears that she failed to notice that he had moved to a crouch in front of her. He held her trembling hands within his grasp and pleaded, “Please…tell me?”

“You won’t understand.” She suddenly felt the full weight of regret when she saw the incredible pain that flooded his eyes with her words. That was the look she had been dreading since their first night together; the look that told her it was all over, but for the final pain of separation.

He closed his eyes and drew in a strained breath before he softly said, “I know…that I can…appear unfeeling, sometimes, and that I do not wear my emotions on my sleeve, but I-”

“I know that you care…” She immediately went on the defensive without even thinking. “I’ve never questioned that.” Catching herself, she swallowed back the rest of her argument. “This isn’t going to solve anyth-”

“NO!” She shrank into herself at his rage-filled outburst, her eyes wide with fear. “I’m sorry…but you can’t claim that I’ve forced you into silence, and then refuse to talk when I ask you to explain.” He fell back into the wall, slumping onto the floor in a huff. “I don’t want to lose you, Sara. But I can’t fix what I don’t understand.”

Her voice was timid and frail. “What if there’s nothing left to fix?”

He shook his head and honestly answered, “I can’t believe that. We’ve come through so much already, and I simply cannot accept that this relationship is over. Not yet… Not to me.”

“I’m afraid.” The tremor in her voice demonstrated the full quality of her horror.

“Not of me?” His question was spoken more as a prayer, than a query.

Sara whispered her answer as her chin fell to her chest. “Of what I’m becoming…what I’ve become.”

Her answer immediately drew his gaze up from the floor. It was a haunting statement, and he needed to understand it. “What is that?”

She was filled with a sense of dread like she had never felt before, and one that she never wanted to feel ever again. The fear and loathing she experienced the moment she made the connection with her current state of mind was like nothing she could have imagined, but the truth was never easy. She was wringing her hands with worry as she prepared to finally reveal the greatest failure in her life. “My mother.”

With those two barely audible words, Grissom felt as though the heavens had been called down on top of him as his mind exploded into a cacophony of suffering and pain like he had never known before. The breath was ripped from his chest with the ache of regret. Hearing Sara liken their relationship to the nightmarish insanity of her parents’ marriage was like taking a shot straight through his heart.

Shaking his head, he said the only thing that he could think of to defend his position. “I would never hurt you like that, Sar-”

“It’s not about that.” She slipped off of the bed to kneel on the floor in front of his broken posture. “I’ve spent a lifetime living in fear of having a voice. When I was a girl, my words would make my father angry, or make my mother cry, or send my brother away, and so I just didn’t speak. When I was in foster care, I couldn’t speak…for fear I would be sent to another home for being a problem. In school, whenever I spoke up…I became a target for their anger and frustration because I was too smart for my own good.” He could feel the tortured anguish in her words and it made him want to take her into his arms to chase it all away, but he was afraid to stop her confession. He didn’t want to be something else that made her afraid to speak.

“Eventually, I found a way to use those same words to keep people away… To keep anyone from getting too close.” She bit down on her lip as she searched for a way to explain herself that they could both understand. “I guess I thought it was better to make jokes and snide comments than to say nothing and try to be invisible…like my mother wanted.” She sat back on her heels and slumped down as she went on. “When things would get bad she would…she would make me stay in my room and…and tell me to read quietly. I guess she figured my questions made him worse, or maybe she was just afraid that I’d say something wrong, but it didn’t matter. I got the message, loud and clear; if I wanted to be loved, I had to live in silence.”

He wanted to say something, anything, but he was paralyzed with fear. Fear that he was the source of her unbelievable pain, that he had somehow given her a reason to be afraid of him, that he was responsible for making her uncertain about his feelings.

“It didn’t work for her, so I don’t know why I ever thought it would for me. She lived in silence, all the way to the end, even when she snapped… Even when she died.” He watched as she swallowed the pain of those words, and then continued. “I was afraid that if I said too much, or asked for too much, that I wouldn’t have anything. I thought I could live like that. I thought that having even the tiniest fraction of you was better than nothing at all. I thought it would be enough. I thought that if I just waited…let you see that I wasn’t a liability, that I loved you without asking for, or expecting anything…that eventually you’d come around.” She wiped away the streams of tears that dampened her cheeks and chuffed. “I figured that it worked before, that I could handle it.”

His heart froze with the implication of her words. He was frozen with fear and regret.

“But it was harder than I ever imagined. And the longer I lived in silence, the more I lost of myself. It took me years to figure out who I was, and in the course of a year I’ve almost disappeared completely.” She dropped back into the side of the bed and matched his distraught pose on the floor. “And it would be really easy to blame you for all of it, but I can’t… It’s my fear that made me act that way. It was my choice, and I have to live with that, but I can’t do it anymore. I can’t be afraid to show you that I’m pissed off when you pick up and take off for weeks without even telling me. I can’t pretend that I understand why you aren’t able to tell me how you feel without cryptic presents and unsent letters. And I can’t smile and nod while you run off to play knight in shining armor to your ex-girlfriend, while almost everyone I know tells me how much she means to you, and how perfect she is for you.”

“Sara, that’s not what-”

“It doesn’t matter…” She stopped him. She was done living in silence and she was going to be heard. “None of it matters now, because I just can’t do it anymore. I need more than that. I-”

“You deserve so much more than that.” Sara looked up into his gaze and struggled to keep a cap on her emotions as she listened to his admission. “You shouldn’t ever have to question how I feel. And I wish I could say it won’t ever happen again, but I know better than to make false promises.” He scooted across the floor until he was close enough to reach out for her hand. “I just need to know that there’s still a chance. Please tell me that I haven’t lost you… I know I don’t deserve it, but please…please give me another chance?”

“I don’t kn-… I’m afraid.” She squeezed her eyes shut and sighed, “I can’t be her… I can’t be…that person, anymore.”

He stroked the backs of his fingers along the side of her face and whispered, “I don’t want you to be. I only want Sara.” He brought his face in closer and spoke with less than an inch between them. “You’re all I’ve ever wanted.”

More than anything, she wanted to lose herself in his eyes, to let go and give in to her desire to fall into his arms and wish the world away. But that was exactly what had gotten her to this place, and she simply couldn’t take that road again.

“I want to say yes. I want it to be that simple, but…” She reached up and took his hand from her face. She held it for a moment and then closed her eyes as she kissed the backs of his fingers. “But I need some…time to think.”

He winced at her answer, and swallowed hard in order to accept the truth in them. It took everything he had to say what was necessary. “I understand, but…don’t go.”

She was confused by his request when she said, “I need some time, some space. And I can’t d-”

“You should stay here… This is your home.” Her confusion was replaced with profound astonishment. “I’ll go.” He clumsily scrambled to get back to his feet, and then held out his hands to help her up. In a state of shock, she took his hands and rose up from the floor. Once she was upright, he brought her hands into his chest and looked into her eyes with a pleading gaze. “Take as long as you need, but please don’t tell me that it’s over. Not yet… Not until I can make my case…until I can make amends. Can you promise me that much, Sara?”

Sara sought an answer to his question in her heart, and it screamed out to her with a thousand voices. She took one of her hands from his grasp and held it to the side of his face, and that was when she noticed the dampness on his cheek. She couldn’t recall a single occasion when she had ever seen him cry, and it made her heart call out in a thousand more voices. “I can try.”

He closed his eyes and said a silent prayer as he relished in the feeling of her thumb wiping away his tears. “Thank you. Thank you, Sara.”

He took out the other garment bag and quickly removed several items from the closet to fill it. He made fast work of packing a few things and then draped the garment bag over his arm as he turned to leave. But before he left, he had one more thing to say. “Sara?”

She was sitting on the bed with her arms around Bruno for comfort when she responded. “Yeah.”

“Can I come by in the morning, after shift?” She was surprised by the vulnerability in his voice, and by his request. He must have sensed her surprise, because then he explained. “It would be too hard if I couldn’t see both of you.” He reached over to scratch behind Bruno’s ear. She smiled at the jovial nature of his answer, but his next words gave her even more reason to smile. “And that way…we can talk.” He gave her a sideways glance, as though he was afraid she wouldn’t agree, and that was when the volume on her heart reached ten.

“I think that would be nice…for the dog.” When his surprised gaze focused on her fully, he saw the up-turned corner of her mouth and the sarcastic raise of her eyebrow, and he suddenly felt much better about his chances.

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He had just fallen asleep when his doorbell began the most annoying repeating pattern he had ever heard, and it practically launched him out of his bed. It was bad enough that he was disturbed by dispatch at least two or three times a week for early calls, but he purposely put a sign on his front door warning of his shift status years ago to prevent such casual disruptions. It was a trick he picked up in the Marines, from all of the night-shifters on the base, but apparently someone couldn’t read.

When he reached the door, he was just a touch more than irate and he fully planned on opening up with both barrels at the idiot pressing that damn button over and over again. It had been a lousy week, and he needed to unload on someone. Whoever this clown turned out to be was going to be very sorry he ever darkened his doorstep.

Just as he was about to rip open the door, the bell stopped. A snarl fell over his face and he swung open the door, prepared to come completely uncorked on the offending party. But it was all lost the moment he discovered the identity of his visitor. The man carrying the overstuffed garment bag turned around to face him and he nearly swallowed his own tongue.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Jim stared into the face of his old friend and wondered what could have brought him to his door.

“‘Though it be not written down, yet forget not that I am an ass.’” Jim lowered his gaze and shook his head as he turned and allow Gil entrance.

He huffed and said, “I’ve been telling you that for years.” As he closed the door behind them, he finished with, “I guess I better get that Scotch out again.”

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A/N2: The Quote: “Though it be not written down, yet forget not that I am an ass.” Is from one of my favorite Shakespeare plays, and is part of the long-winded reply to one of my most often quoted lines. “You sir, are an ass!”

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