| Chapter 12 |
| Any comments, suggestions or questions can be directed to the author. Thank you for taking the time to read and I hope you found something that you could enjoy. Disclaimer: I do not own anything in relation to C.S.I., Alliance Atlantic, CBS, William Petersen, Jorja Fox or any other characters contained herein... I just like playing with them now and then while stretching my writing muscles. And if you think there's any money to be gained by suing me, you're in for a horrible disappointment. |
| Check out All the Author's Works in Progress at FanFiction.net |
When I returned to work there was no mention of my attitude or my mood from before. The shifts went by, the evidence was
collected and processed, some cases were closed, and some justice was doled out. I filled out paperwork, filed reports,
compiled statistics, and performed all of my administrative duties with great proficiency. Life went on.
Hank and I settled into the routine set in place before the world changed, and we were comfortable with that. We took our
walks, we shared the bed, we ate the way we were taught to eat, and lived up to our responsibilities to one another. Life went
on.
It wasn’t easy, living this life that was set out by another, but I knew that I needed to go on with it. There was no telling when
Sara would return, or even if she would ever come home, and while I would wait for her until the end of my days, life had to go
on. And so it did.
I still looked in my email every time I was near a computer. I still looked for the mail to arrive every day. I still hoped to hear the
phone ring whenever I was home. But I didn’t hold up my life to do these things. My world revolved around my work, and my
dog, not on the correspondences I hoped to receive from the woman who carried with her my heart.
As I left work at the end of another very long shift Catherine stopped me. She wanted to know if I had heard from Sara lately,
and she wasn’t going to let up until I gave her what she wanted. Catherine could be a very determined woman when the mood
struck her, and I knew I would have to tell her something. I let her know that we have been communicating, and that Sara was
working very hard to get through this thing. She finished her interrogation by reminding me just how long it had been since
Sara’s departure, and how she didn’t think Ecklie would allow HR to keep this up after the three month mark.
I knew that Catherine meant well, because she truly believes that I don’t ever think about these kinds of things. The fact was
that I had already printed off a copy of the Employee Status Change form. When I realized that Sara was not likely to return
anytime in the near future, I knew a hard decision needed to be made. In my briefcase was a copy of the status form and the
COBRA form for her insurance. While I knew that she couldn’t stay on the payroll indefinitely, I was not about to leave her
unprotected. As a supervisor, I needed to let her go, but as a man who loved her deeply, I could at least enable her to retain
her health insurance.
Driving through the city that morning, I was struck by the stark nature of Las Vegas in the faint light of dawn. It was a city of
concrete, colored glass, immorality and pain, but it was also a city of dreams. There were dreams of a better life, of starting
over, of making it big. It was a city filled with the broad ranges on the spectrum of life, and somewhere in the middle was the
real Las Vegas, the hard-working people that just wanted to provide a good life for themselves and their families. It was those
people I worked for every day. I worked for them, because I wanted to be one of them. That was my dream, amidst the
concrete, the lights and the desert sands. But my dreams were tied to the coattails of a woman struggling to find the peace
that would enable her to return to this stark city of incredible highs and devastating lows.
On my way home, I stopped at the bakery to pick up something to eat. I wasn’t in the mood to fix anything, so I decided that a
quick bagel would be enough to allow me some sleep. I went ahead and picked up a half dozen of the round boiled dough
treats. The woman behind the counter shook her head as she loaded the bagels into the bag. I knew that look; it was pity. I
was just another pathetic bachelor to her, because she couldn’t possibly know that I was just a man in waiting.
I had to get Hank from the sitter’s before going home. Working another set of doubles, I knew that he would need more care
than I would be able to provide for my companion, and so I arranged for the sitter to take him until I was done. Lately, it
seemed as though Hank spent as much time at the sitters as he did at the house. Neither of us was happy with the
arrangement, but it was all we had to work with at the moment.
When we got to the house, I parked on the street, because Hank was very anxious as we approached the house. As we got
out of the car I saw why. Our friend Henry was walking up to the car when I turned around.
He smiled and tipped his hat to us when he said, “Good morning, Dr. G. Looks like you made it home today… Must’ve been a
slow night for the crooks in Vegas.”
Henry handed me the mail and I nodded as he bent down to greet my canine friend. “Even the criminals have to take a night
off now and then, Henry.”
“Well, glad you could make it home again, Dr. G. You two have yourselves a good walk. And make sure Hank leaves that little
girl around the corner alone. She’s no good for him.” Henry waved as he walked away, and I smiled at the man’s attempt at
humor. We both knew that the dog around the corner wasn’t the issue. However, the lonely divorcée she belonged to was most
assuredly dangerous to any man passing by.
Hank was still acting anxious, so I dropped the mail into the car and decided to take him on his walk before doing anything
else. The sitter must have missed his morning constitutional.
The morning air served as a solid wakeup call while we went on our normal Monday route. We walked to the end of the block,
two blocks to the left, through the greenway, two blocks to the left through the neighborhood, and then back to the house from
the opposite end of our block. It wasn’t a long walk, but it was effective. Our long walks took place on Tuesdays, Thursdays,
and on the weekends.
As we neared the house Hank was still acting up. He was a normally well-behaved animal, but once in a while he would get a
wild hair and there was nothing I could do about it, except to keep him from getting completely out of control.
I stopped at the car to retrieve my case, the mail and the bagels before heading towards the front door. Hank pulled at the
leash enough to strip it from my hand and I was forced to give him a vocal command to stop his advance on the door. When I
caught up with him, I asked, “What’s gotten into you, boy? You’ve been gone like this before. You can’t possibly be homesick,
can you?”
Hank struggled with his nature to violate the command, but he remained in his sitting position until I gave him the release
command. As I did, he moved to walk closely at my side, still desperate to get into the house, but wanting to stay in my good
graces. Shaking my head, I slipped the key into the lock and turned the handle.
Pausing before I pushed open the door, I sighed. This was the hardest part of my day; coming home to an empty house.
Before I could summon the strength, Hank started to paw at the door, taking the decision out of my hands.
Once inside, he tore off through the house to reach the living room. I had gotten him a new butcher bone before he went to the
sitters, and we forgot to take it, so I decided he must have been in a real hurry to secure the item between his gnashing jaws.
Myself, I needed to take care of my own biological need, which began to demand my attention about half way through our
morning walk. However, unlike Hank, my own bladder control can be quite considerable.
After finishing up in the bathroom I glanced at the answering machine on my way to the kitchen; no messages today. When I
entered the kitchen I picked the mail up and began flipping through it; the water bill, a notice of subscription renewal and a
reminder card from the veterinarian’s office were the highlights. Setting the incidentals back down on the counter, I kept the
two cards reminding me of things to do and turned for the fridge. After tacking them up with magnets from the various take-out
establishments we have been known to frequent, I opened the door and started fishing around for the cream cheese.
I sliced a bagel in two and placed the halves into the toaster before I set about to prepare Hank’s food. It only took a minute to
assemble the concoction that had become his normal morning fare. After I put his dish on the floor and removed the now
crispy bagel from the toaster, I noticed that Hank had not come prancing into the kitchen to eat. I knew that bone would hold a
place in his heart, until he had completely destroyed the thing anyway, but he was rarely one to ignore his food.
“Hank! Get in here and eat, boy. I don’t want any of your midnight snacking in bed today.” As I started to spread the cream
cheese over the warm bagel I heard his feet tapping over the floor when he finally decided to join me in the kitchen. Looking
down, I praised my housemate for his choice. “Good boy… We have to keep our strength up, Hank. No more moping,
remember?”
He looked up at me with what I could only describe as a smile and it lightened my own mood a little. Just as I was about to
return my attention to my own breakfast, Hank looked away. But instead of going back to his food, he looked behind him
toward the living room. I couldn’t imagine that ridiculous bone was really that engaging, so I followed his gaze. I followed it to a
pair of feet standing at the end of the counter, and I froze.
“I ah…I think that might’ve been my fault…so don’t be too mad at him.” Unconsciously, my eyes rose in an instant to find the
source of that voice. I was sure that it couldn’t possibly be what my mind was telling me it was, and I had to see it with my own
eyes before I could even dare to hope.
The moment my eyes caught the first painfully familiar freckle on her chin, I dropped the knife from my hand. As they scanned
the features of the face before me I felt like the whole world was rapidly coming back into a focus, one freckle at a time. When
they found the faint traces of scars on her face my heart began to pound in my chest. But when they finally glimpsed the
barely trembling, up-turned right corner of her mouth, the sound of the blood pumping through my body practically deafened
me.
My feet began to move my body forward, because my mind was stuck on a single loop of thought; Please let this be real,
Please let this be real, Please let this be real. I was afraid to speak another word, frightened that even the sound of my voice
would make the apparition disappear into the ozone. The words stuck firmly in my throat behind the mass of emotion building
there, I was struck silent as I approached the ghost of my heart.
In my every dream, this was how it started. She was there just waiting, and I would go to her, wrap her up in my embrace,
holding her tightly to me, never wanting to let go again, whispering my desperate pleas into her hair, and when I woke, she
would be gone. I was fraught with the idea that this, too, was only a dream; that the moment I took her into my arms she’d
vanish completely.
My hand reached up to find out the truth, though my heart screamed to hesitate, to hold out just a while longer, on the chance
that none of this was real. As my fingers touched her warm moist cheek a blush rose to the surface and she wiped at the
dampness. “Sorry, I forgot all about slobbery wakeup calls when I slept on the couch.”
Once all of the truths snapped into place, there was nothing left; nothing left of the pain, nothing left of the hurt, and nothing
left of the distance. I had Sara in my arms, holding her to my body so that not a millimeter of space existed between us. Tears
flowed from my eyes, dampening her hair, because I knew that she was real, and she was home.
It wasn’t long before Hank was trying to nudge his way into our space, but this time I wasn’t budging. I would happily share her
later, but in that moment, she was mine and mine alone. When I refused to acknowledge his presence, Sara dropped one
hand and patted the dog’s head before telling him to sit. But I was only truly aware of her actions when she used that hand to
stroke up and down my back.
The movement of her hand on my back was the most exquisite thing I had felt in three months. It told me that she was real, she
was home, and she was mine. I hated having such possessive thoughts, but my more primal nature was in control of my mind
as I squeezed just a little tighter, bringing her completely flush with my body. My Sara was home.
It took a while before I was willing and able to do more than hold tightly to this dream come true, but eventually I knew that it
would be necessary for me to loosen my hold (if for no other reason, than because I was sure Sara would like to breathe
again).
When I finally pulled my head up and brought it around to look into her eyes, I saw something there that I hadn’t even realized
was missing for so long. There was a spark behind those brandy pools, the spark that had been captivating me for so many
years, the spark that I could see, even when it seemed to have died away. And seeing it now, I could do nothing else but smile.
“Hello.” It seemed like such a silly thing to say, but after so many goodbyes, I needed a change.
“Hello.” Sara reached up and wiped the tears from my cheeks with her hands. When she lingered over them for a moment, I
felt a small pang of worry try to bubble up into my chest. But I shouldn’t have worried, because Sara simply leaned in and
kissed my lips, her hands holding my head in place. And while it reminded me of the kiss she left me with those many months
ago, it was completely different. Her last kiss was an apology, a silent vow of regret and promise. This kiss, it was an act of
pure joy and love, a silent acknowledgement of her place in my life, and a deeply emotional plea for forgiveness.
I emptied months of worry, countless hours of uncertainty, and a lifetime of love and devotion into the kiss I returned to her. In
opening our mouths to deepen the kiss, we were opening our hearts to give them over completely to the other. There were
simply no more barriers between us. There in the kitchen, with the dog patiently waiting for attention, our bodies entwined, we
made promises of a future; a future shared in love and trust.
There were many things that have astounded me throughout my lifetime, but the silent and meaningful communication that has
always existed between Sara and I would never cease to bring me into a state of awe and glorious wonder. But this whole
ordeal had also taught me a very valuable lesson; we could not rely on that silent communication alone, we needed to talk.
As our lips finally separated, our gasping breaths mingled in the shallow space between us. Sara laid her arms down around
my neck and she pressed her forehead into my cheek. “I know…we need to talk.” We both smiled at the acknowledgement of
our subtle communication. “But can we do it somewhere else? I’m exhausted.”
I stroked her hair and breathed in her scent with my eyes closed; relishing in the knowledge that Sara was really home. “Of
course. Couch or bed?”
She looked up and caught my eye. I watched as the smirk began to form at the corner of her mouth. “Haven’t we suffered
enough?”
I tried to squint at her as if I were really considering her question, but the smile quickly gave me away. “Bed it is.” My smooth
answer was quickly interrupted by a long drawn out yawn.
Sara eyed me suspiciously for a moment and then asked the question which would most assuredly reveal my current activities.
“Worked a double didn’t you?”
I leaned back against the counter as she moved back to fix me with a steely glare. “Not exactly.” As her eyebrow rose with my
answer, I knew it was no use and I confessed my sin. “It was more like a long triple.”
Shaking her head, she reached out and took my shoulders in her hands. “That settles it.” Sara turned me around and began
to push me towards the hall. “Go take a shower. I’ll fix us some breakfast and we can meet in the bedroom.”
“But…” I looked down at Hank who was following our movements with great interest. “What about him?”
Sara stopped pushing me toward the bathroom and reviewed the situation. “Did he get his bath this weekend?”
Hank looked from her to me, and I could see the anxiety on his face. After all, Sara had used his least favorite word. I smiled
down at the dog and answered honestly, “In fact he was at the groomers on Friday. They even trimmed and filed his nails.”
“Then he gets a reprieve, for now.” She crouched down and began scratching at Hank’s chest. The dog seemed to lose all
anxiety with the act. As much as he liked getting his ears scratched by anyone he met, he would probably follow Sara through
a river of fire if she was scratching his chest. “I think we’ve all picked up some bad habits that’ll need breaking…later.” When
she smiled back up at me, my anxiety melted away as well. “But for right now, I’d kind of like to keep both of my boys close right
now.”
The looks that passed between us, they spoke volumes. Sara was home, and while it was painfully obvious to me that she was
there for good, something in me felt compelled to ask.
I took her hand and brought her back to her feet to stand in front of me. With my arms wrapped around her, I leaned my head
in and asked, “I don’t want to ruin this, but I have to know…your ghosts...the journey…”
She brought a hand to my mouth and covered it with her fingers to still my questions. “It’ll never be over…” I felt the tightening
around my heart again as I silently prayed for a miracle. “But I’m at peace with the past, and I’m tired of trying to re-live it. It is
what it is, and I’ve accepted that now; all of it. What I want, what I need, is to live my life, and not try to ignore the lessons the
past has taught me. I realized, sitting inside that car, listening to your voice, that the only time I have any real peace is when I’m
with you.”
Sara replaced her fingers with her lips and followed them up with the words I will remember for the rest of my days. “No matter
what was happening, spending time with my brother in Italy, playing with my nieces, hearing old stories from friends and
family… Hell! Even when I was dealing with my mother’s silence, I found myself thinking of you, and what you would be thinking
about all of this. Thousands of miles away, ridiculous time apart, and I still wanted to be able turn to you and say thank you.
And every time I did, you weren’t there. I decided that I was done going it alone, because I never had to in the first place. I’m
glad that I did, because it taught me that I could, but it also taught me that I didn’t really want to anymore.”
I let my hand graze down the side of her face, wiping away the tears which had trickled down her cheek with my thumb. As Sara
leaned in to my touch, her eyes softly closed. When they opened again, they were somehow deeper. “I was always afraid of
what needing you would mean to my independence, or something. But what I discovered was that I completely ignored what I
wanted in the process. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I don’t want to do everything on my own. I want you there, with me,
working with me to figure everything out. Do you think that would be all right?”
It was my turn to close my eyes. I was overcome with a joy that had been missing in my life. It was the joy of understanding and
unconditional love. When I opened my eyes again, it was as though a new day had dawned. I brought my other hand up to her
face, sliding them both back into her hair, and reverently laid my lips over hers, as I gave her my most sacred and solemn vow.
“That’s all I could have ever hoped for, Sara.”
Several long moments passed between us, each in the other’s arms, taking solace in the peace we both found there. Hank
waited patiently at our feet, his tail occasionally tapping the floor to remind us of the time which had passed.
Eventually, the late hours and our combined fatigue brought us back to reality as another yawn escaped my body.
Sara was the first to pull out of the embrace and she quickly proceeded to send me marching on my way to the shower. “Right
then, off to the showers with you.”
Before she started to push me out again, I grabbed her hand, “You don’t want to join me?”
Smiling at my attempt, Sara laughed, “Not this time. I took one when I got home.” She turned me around and gave me a gentle
pat on the rear. “Go take your shower and I’ll meet you in the bedroom with breakfast.”
I dutifully followed her orders and went on my way. As I washed away the course of a very long day, I had a few moments to
reflect. With the steam surrounding me, I felt like I was finally finding my way through the fog of the last few months. And if I was
honest, the fog had started long before; before Sara’s abduction, before my sabbatical, even before my own burnout. It started
the day I began to question this uncommon relationship I had with Sara.
Before she came to Las Vegas I was certain that I understood my place in her life. But that had always been a lie. I convinced
myself that I knew where I stood, while in truth my mind and my heart warred with each other for years. My heart fought to keep
her close, when at the same time my mind told me she was dangerous and I should keep her at arm’s length. It wasn’t until my
mind was weakened by tragedy that my heart was finally able to take control. But even then, the mind fought back, and we
struggled through even the most mundane of trials.
While I was away on sabbatical, my mind was given the hard dose of reality that with Sara was indeed where I belonged, but it
took too long for me to express that to her, and then we were faced with the possibility of losing each other forever in that
desert. Such things often bring about clarity, but they also inherently carry a certain level of fear. We never truly dealt with the
fear, Sara and I, and like so many ghosts in our lives, we hoped it would stay hidden forever.
No matter how painful this latest separation has been, I was eternally grateful for the lessons it has taught us. And I as I shut
off the water and emerged from the steam, so too did I emerge from living for the past. From this point forward, Sara and I
would live our lives in the present, knowing only that the future would not be faced alone.
Wrapped up in my robe, I walked out into the bedroom and found something more beautiful than I ever could have imagined.
There on the bed, curled up on the comforter, the dog snuggled up and snoring in front of her, Sara lay sleeping. My heart
filled with such intense emotion as I drank in such an astounding sight; my girl, my dog, my family, my life.
collected and processed, some cases were closed, and some justice was doled out. I filled out paperwork, filed reports,
compiled statistics, and performed all of my administrative duties with great proficiency. Life went on.
Hank and I settled into the routine set in place before the world changed, and we were comfortable with that. We took our
walks, we shared the bed, we ate the way we were taught to eat, and lived up to our responsibilities to one another. Life went
on.
It wasn’t easy, living this life that was set out by another, but I knew that I needed to go on with it. There was no telling when
Sara would return, or even if she would ever come home, and while I would wait for her until the end of my days, life had to go
on. And so it did.
I still looked in my email every time I was near a computer. I still looked for the mail to arrive every day. I still hoped to hear the
phone ring whenever I was home. But I didn’t hold up my life to do these things. My world revolved around my work, and my
dog, not on the correspondences I hoped to receive from the woman who carried with her my heart.
As I left work at the end of another very long shift Catherine stopped me. She wanted to know if I had heard from Sara lately,
and she wasn’t going to let up until I gave her what she wanted. Catherine could be a very determined woman when the mood
struck her, and I knew I would have to tell her something. I let her know that we have been communicating, and that Sara was
working very hard to get through this thing. She finished her interrogation by reminding me just how long it had been since
Sara’s departure, and how she didn’t think Ecklie would allow HR to keep this up after the three month mark.
I knew that Catherine meant well, because she truly believes that I don’t ever think about these kinds of things. The fact was
that I had already printed off a copy of the Employee Status Change form. When I realized that Sara was not likely to return
anytime in the near future, I knew a hard decision needed to be made. In my briefcase was a copy of the status form and the
COBRA form for her insurance. While I knew that she couldn’t stay on the payroll indefinitely, I was not about to leave her
unprotected. As a supervisor, I needed to let her go, but as a man who loved her deeply, I could at least enable her to retain
her health insurance.
Driving through the city that morning, I was struck by the stark nature of Las Vegas in the faint light of dawn. It was a city of
concrete, colored glass, immorality and pain, but it was also a city of dreams. There were dreams of a better life, of starting
over, of making it big. It was a city filled with the broad ranges on the spectrum of life, and somewhere in the middle was the
real Las Vegas, the hard-working people that just wanted to provide a good life for themselves and their families. It was those
people I worked for every day. I worked for them, because I wanted to be one of them. That was my dream, amidst the
concrete, the lights and the desert sands. But my dreams were tied to the coattails of a woman struggling to find the peace
that would enable her to return to this stark city of incredible highs and devastating lows.
On my way home, I stopped at the bakery to pick up something to eat. I wasn’t in the mood to fix anything, so I decided that a
quick bagel would be enough to allow me some sleep. I went ahead and picked up a half dozen of the round boiled dough
treats. The woman behind the counter shook her head as she loaded the bagels into the bag. I knew that look; it was pity. I
was just another pathetic bachelor to her, because she couldn’t possibly know that I was just a man in waiting.
I had to get Hank from the sitter’s before going home. Working another set of doubles, I knew that he would need more care
than I would be able to provide for my companion, and so I arranged for the sitter to take him until I was done. Lately, it
seemed as though Hank spent as much time at the sitters as he did at the house. Neither of us was happy with the
arrangement, but it was all we had to work with at the moment.
When we got to the house, I parked on the street, because Hank was very anxious as we approached the house. As we got
out of the car I saw why. Our friend Henry was walking up to the car when I turned around.
He smiled and tipped his hat to us when he said, “Good morning, Dr. G. Looks like you made it home today… Must’ve been a
slow night for the crooks in Vegas.”
Henry handed me the mail and I nodded as he bent down to greet my canine friend. “Even the criminals have to take a night
off now and then, Henry.”
“Well, glad you could make it home again, Dr. G. You two have yourselves a good walk. And make sure Hank leaves that little
girl around the corner alone. She’s no good for him.” Henry waved as he walked away, and I smiled at the man’s attempt at
humor. We both knew that the dog around the corner wasn’t the issue. However, the lonely divorcée she belonged to was most
assuredly dangerous to any man passing by.
Hank was still acting anxious, so I dropped the mail into the car and decided to take him on his walk before doing anything
else. The sitter must have missed his morning constitutional.
The morning air served as a solid wakeup call while we went on our normal Monday route. We walked to the end of the block,
two blocks to the left, through the greenway, two blocks to the left through the neighborhood, and then back to the house from
the opposite end of our block. It wasn’t a long walk, but it was effective. Our long walks took place on Tuesdays, Thursdays,
and on the weekends.
As we neared the house Hank was still acting up. He was a normally well-behaved animal, but once in a while he would get a
wild hair and there was nothing I could do about it, except to keep him from getting completely out of control.
I stopped at the car to retrieve my case, the mail and the bagels before heading towards the front door. Hank pulled at the
leash enough to strip it from my hand and I was forced to give him a vocal command to stop his advance on the door. When I
caught up with him, I asked, “What’s gotten into you, boy? You’ve been gone like this before. You can’t possibly be homesick,
can you?”
Hank struggled with his nature to violate the command, but he remained in his sitting position until I gave him the release
command. As I did, he moved to walk closely at my side, still desperate to get into the house, but wanting to stay in my good
graces. Shaking my head, I slipped the key into the lock and turned the handle.
Pausing before I pushed open the door, I sighed. This was the hardest part of my day; coming home to an empty house.
Before I could summon the strength, Hank started to paw at the door, taking the decision out of my hands.
Once inside, he tore off through the house to reach the living room. I had gotten him a new butcher bone before he went to the
sitters, and we forgot to take it, so I decided he must have been in a real hurry to secure the item between his gnashing jaws.
Myself, I needed to take care of my own biological need, which began to demand my attention about half way through our
morning walk. However, unlike Hank, my own bladder control can be quite considerable.
After finishing up in the bathroom I glanced at the answering machine on my way to the kitchen; no messages today. When I
entered the kitchen I picked the mail up and began flipping through it; the water bill, a notice of subscription renewal and a
reminder card from the veterinarian’s office were the highlights. Setting the incidentals back down on the counter, I kept the
two cards reminding me of things to do and turned for the fridge. After tacking them up with magnets from the various take-out
establishments we have been known to frequent, I opened the door and started fishing around for the cream cheese.
I sliced a bagel in two and placed the halves into the toaster before I set about to prepare Hank’s food. It only took a minute to
assemble the concoction that had become his normal morning fare. After I put his dish on the floor and removed the now
crispy bagel from the toaster, I noticed that Hank had not come prancing into the kitchen to eat. I knew that bone would hold a
place in his heart, until he had completely destroyed the thing anyway, but he was rarely one to ignore his food.
“Hank! Get in here and eat, boy. I don’t want any of your midnight snacking in bed today.” As I started to spread the cream
cheese over the warm bagel I heard his feet tapping over the floor when he finally decided to join me in the kitchen. Looking
down, I praised my housemate for his choice. “Good boy… We have to keep our strength up, Hank. No more moping,
remember?”
He looked up at me with what I could only describe as a smile and it lightened my own mood a little. Just as I was about to
return my attention to my own breakfast, Hank looked away. But instead of going back to his food, he looked behind him
toward the living room. I couldn’t imagine that ridiculous bone was really that engaging, so I followed his gaze. I followed it to a
pair of feet standing at the end of the counter, and I froze.
“I ah…I think that might’ve been my fault…so don’t be too mad at him.” Unconsciously, my eyes rose in an instant to find the
source of that voice. I was sure that it couldn’t possibly be what my mind was telling me it was, and I had to see it with my own
eyes before I could even dare to hope.
The moment my eyes caught the first painfully familiar freckle on her chin, I dropped the knife from my hand. As they scanned
the features of the face before me I felt like the whole world was rapidly coming back into a focus, one freckle at a time. When
they found the faint traces of scars on her face my heart began to pound in my chest. But when they finally glimpsed the
barely trembling, up-turned right corner of her mouth, the sound of the blood pumping through my body practically deafened
me.
My feet began to move my body forward, because my mind was stuck on a single loop of thought; Please let this be real,
Please let this be real, Please let this be real. I was afraid to speak another word, frightened that even the sound of my voice
would make the apparition disappear into the ozone. The words stuck firmly in my throat behind the mass of emotion building
there, I was struck silent as I approached the ghost of my heart.
In my every dream, this was how it started. She was there just waiting, and I would go to her, wrap her up in my embrace,
holding her tightly to me, never wanting to let go again, whispering my desperate pleas into her hair, and when I woke, she
would be gone. I was fraught with the idea that this, too, was only a dream; that the moment I took her into my arms she’d
vanish completely.
My hand reached up to find out the truth, though my heart screamed to hesitate, to hold out just a while longer, on the chance
that none of this was real. As my fingers touched her warm moist cheek a blush rose to the surface and she wiped at the
dampness. “Sorry, I forgot all about slobbery wakeup calls when I slept on the couch.”
Once all of the truths snapped into place, there was nothing left; nothing left of the pain, nothing left of the hurt, and nothing
left of the distance. I had Sara in my arms, holding her to my body so that not a millimeter of space existed between us. Tears
flowed from my eyes, dampening her hair, because I knew that she was real, and she was home.
It wasn’t long before Hank was trying to nudge his way into our space, but this time I wasn’t budging. I would happily share her
later, but in that moment, she was mine and mine alone. When I refused to acknowledge his presence, Sara dropped one
hand and patted the dog’s head before telling him to sit. But I was only truly aware of her actions when she used that hand to
stroke up and down my back.
The movement of her hand on my back was the most exquisite thing I had felt in three months. It told me that she was real, she
was home, and she was mine. I hated having such possessive thoughts, but my more primal nature was in control of my mind
as I squeezed just a little tighter, bringing her completely flush with my body. My Sara was home.
It took a while before I was willing and able to do more than hold tightly to this dream come true, but eventually I knew that it
would be necessary for me to loosen my hold (if for no other reason, than because I was sure Sara would like to breathe
again).
When I finally pulled my head up and brought it around to look into her eyes, I saw something there that I hadn’t even realized
was missing for so long. There was a spark behind those brandy pools, the spark that had been captivating me for so many
years, the spark that I could see, even when it seemed to have died away. And seeing it now, I could do nothing else but smile.
“Hello.” It seemed like such a silly thing to say, but after so many goodbyes, I needed a change.
“Hello.” Sara reached up and wiped the tears from my cheeks with her hands. When she lingered over them for a moment, I
felt a small pang of worry try to bubble up into my chest. But I shouldn’t have worried, because Sara simply leaned in and
kissed my lips, her hands holding my head in place. And while it reminded me of the kiss she left me with those many months
ago, it was completely different. Her last kiss was an apology, a silent vow of regret and promise. This kiss, it was an act of
pure joy and love, a silent acknowledgement of her place in my life, and a deeply emotional plea for forgiveness.
I emptied months of worry, countless hours of uncertainty, and a lifetime of love and devotion into the kiss I returned to her. In
opening our mouths to deepen the kiss, we were opening our hearts to give them over completely to the other. There were
simply no more barriers between us. There in the kitchen, with the dog patiently waiting for attention, our bodies entwined, we
made promises of a future; a future shared in love and trust.
There were many things that have astounded me throughout my lifetime, but the silent and meaningful communication that has
always existed between Sara and I would never cease to bring me into a state of awe and glorious wonder. But this whole
ordeal had also taught me a very valuable lesson; we could not rely on that silent communication alone, we needed to talk.
As our lips finally separated, our gasping breaths mingled in the shallow space between us. Sara laid her arms down around
my neck and she pressed her forehead into my cheek. “I know…we need to talk.” We both smiled at the acknowledgement of
our subtle communication. “But can we do it somewhere else? I’m exhausted.”
I stroked her hair and breathed in her scent with my eyes closed; relishing in the knowledge that Sara was really home. “Of
course. Couch or bed?”
She looked up and caught my eye. I watched as the smirk began to form at the corner of her mouth. “Haven’t we suffered
enough?”
I tried to squint at her as if I were really considering her question, but the smile quickly gave me away. “Bed it is.” My smooth
answer was quickly interrupted by a long drawn out yawn.
Sara eyed me suspiciously for a moment and then asked the question which would most assuredly reveal my current activities.
“Worked a double didn’t you?”
I leaned back against the counter as she moved back to fix me with a steely glare. “Not exactly.” As her eyebrow rose with my
answer, I knew it was no use and I confessed my sin. “It was more like a long triple.”
Shaking her head, she reached out and took my shoulders in her hands. “That settles it.” Sara turned me around and began
to push me towards the hall. “Go take a shower. I’ll fix us some breakfast and we can meet in the bedroom.”
“But…” I looked down at Hank who was following our movements with great interest. “What about him?”
Sara stopped pushing me toward the bathroom and reviewed the situation. “Did he get his bath this weekend?”
Hank looked from her to me, and I could see the anxiety on his face. After all, Sara had used his least favorite word. I smiled
down at the dog and answered honestly, “In fact he was at the groomers on Friday. They even trimmed and filed his nails.”
“Then he gets a reprieve, for now.” She crouched down and began scratching at Hank’s chest. The dog seemed to lose all
anxiety with the act. As much as he liked getting his ears scratched by anyone he met, he would probably follow Sara through
a river of fire if she was scratching his chest. “I think we’ve all picked up some bad habits that’ll need breaking…later.” When
she smiled back up at me, my anxiety melted away as well. “But for right now, I’d kind of like to keep both of my boys close right
now.”
The looks that passed between us, they spoke volumes. Sara was home, and while it was painfully obvious to me that she was
there for good, something in me felt compelled to ask.
I took her hand and brought her back to her feet to stand in front of me. With my arms wrapped around her, I leaned my head
in and asked, “I don’t want to ruin this, but I have to know…your ghosts...the journey…”
She brought a hand to my mouth and covered it with her fingers to still my questions. “It’ll never be over…” I felt the tightening
around my heart again as I silently prayed for a miracle. “But I’m at peace with the past, and I’m tired of trying to re-live it. It is
what it is, and I’ve accepted that now; all of it. What I want, what I need, is to live my life, and not try to ignore the lessons the
past has taught me. I realized, sitting inside that car, listening to your voice, that the only time I have any real peace is when I’m
with you.”
Sara replaced her fingers with her lips and followed them up with the words I will remember for the rest of my days. “No matter
what was happening, spending time with my brother in Italy, playing with my nieces, hearing old stories from friends and
family… Hell! Even when I was dealing with my mother’s silence, I found myself thinking of you, and what you would be thinking
about all of this. Thousands of miles away, ridiculous time apart, and I still wanted to be able turn to you and say thank you.
And every time I did, you weren’t there. I decided that I was done going it alone, because I never had to in the first place. I’m
glad that I did, because it taught me that I could, but it also taught me that I didn’t really want to anymore.”
I let my hand graze down the side of her face, wiping away the tears which had trickled down her cheek with my thumb. As Sara
leaned in to my touch, her eyes softly closed. When they opened again, they were somehow deeper. “I was always afraid of
what needing you would mean to my independence, or something. But what I discovered was that I completely ignored what I
wanted in the process. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I don’t want to do everything on my own. I want you there, with me,
working with me to figure everything out. Do you think that would be all right?”
It was my turn to close my eyes. I was overcome with a joy that had been missing in my life. It was the joy of understanding and
unconditional love. When I opened my eyes again, it was as though a new day had dawned. I brought my other hand up to her
face, sliding them both back into her hair, and reverently laid my lips over hers, as I gave her my most sacred and solemn vow.
“That’s all I could have ever hoped for, Sara.”
Several long moments passed between us, each in the other’s arms, taking solace in the peace we both found there. Hank
waited patiently at our feet, his tail occasionally tapping the floor to remind us of the time which had passed.
Eventually, the late hours and our combined fatigue brought us back to reality as another yawn escaped my body.
Sara was the first to pull out of the embrace and she quickly proceeded to send me marching on my way to the shower. “Right
then, off to the showers with you.”
Before she started to push me out again, I grabbed her hand, “You don’t want to join me?”
Smiling at my attempt, Sara laughed, “Not this time. I took one when I got home.” She turned me around and gave me a gentle
pat on the rear. “Go take your shower and I’ll meet you in the bedroom with breakfast.”
I dutifully followed her orders and went on my way. As I washed away the course of a very long day, I had a few moments to
reflect. With the steam surrounding me, I felt like I was finally finding my way through the fog of the last few months. And if I was
honest, the fog had started long before; before Sara’s abduction, before my sabbatical, even before my own burnout. It started
the day I began to question this uncommon relationship I had with Sara.
Before she came to Las Vegas I was certain that I understood my place in her life. But that had always been a lie. I convinced
myself that I knew where I stood, while in truth my mind and my heart warred with each other for years. My heart fought to keep
her close, when at the same time my mind told me she was dangerous and I should keep her at arm’s length. It wasn’t until my
mind was weakened by tragedy that my heart was finally able to take control. But even then, the mind fought back, and we
struggled through even the most mundane of trials.
While I was away on sabbatical, my mind was given the hard dose of reality that with Sara was indeed where I belonged, but it
took too long for me to express that to her, and then we were faced with the possibility of losing each other forever in that
desert. Such things often bring about clarity, but they also inherently carry a certain level of fear. We never truly dealt with the
fear, Sara and I, and like so many ghosts in our lives, we hoped it would stay hidden forever.
No matter how painful this latest separation has been, I was eternally grateful for the lessons it has taught us. And I as I shut
off the water and emerged from the steam, so too did I emerge from living for the past. From this point forward, Sara and I
would live our lives in the present, knowing only that the future would not be faced alone.
Wrapped up in my robe, I walked out into the bedroom and found something more beautiful than I ever could have imagined.
There on the bed, curled up on the comforter, the dog snuggled up and snoring in front of her, Sara lay sleeping. My heart
filled with such intense emotion as I drank in such an astounding sight; my girl, my dog, my family, my life.
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