| Chapter 10 |
| Any comments, suggestions or questions can be directed to the author. Thank you for taking the time to read and I hope you found something that you could enjoy. Disclaimer: I do not own anything in relation to C.S.I., Alliance Atlantic, CBS, William Petersen, Jorja Fox or any other characters contained herein... I just like playing with them now and then while stretching my writing muscles. And if you think there's any money to be gained by suing me, you're in for a horrible disappointment. |
| Check out All the Author's Works in Progress at FanFiction.net |
When I received a brief email from Sara, informing me of her arrival in San Francisco I was filled with a strange calm. She was
close now, and I felt like the light was beginning to shine at the end of this tunnel.
The email also let me know that she had picked up a new laptop. I was worried about what such an expense would do for her
finances, so I asked the insurance agent to expedite the claim to have the old one replaced. He assured me the funds would
be transferred to Sara’s bank account by the end of the week, at the latest.
Worrying about her finances was one of the few things I was able to control, and so I was diligent about it. Immediately after
she left I put her in for an emergency leave of absence from the lab, which allowed her to draw down from her accumulated
paid time off and retain her health insurance. When HR called to let me know her status would have to be changed to inactive
because her PTO was about to run out, I asked them to transfer mine to her on a weekly basis, as needed. Thankfully, HR was
probably the only administrative office with which I had a pleasant working relationship.
I thought this would be an acceptable solution, as I was perfectly willing to give up the thing which I never used voluntarily, but
it would seem someone else in the lab had a friend in HR. When I first learned that other members of the lab were giving up
their own PTO to prevent me from running out as well, I was thoroughly shocked. Perhaps the most surprising to me was the
fact that Greg had given all of his available PTO to Sara.
I suppose I shouldn’t have been shocked that Greg would do such a thing. After all, he and Sara had grown quite close over
the last couple of years. No, what actually surprised me was that he was willing to do it to save me from losing all of my own
time. Of late, Greg had been showing a great deal of animosity toward me, and frankly I’ve not called him on it, because I felt it
was justified. But that was why his gesture caught me off guard.
When I decided to question him about the gift, as well as his animosity, my shock deepened. He informed me that he still felt
like I was to blame for Sara’s need to leave, but when it all boiled down he knew that Sara needed me even more. However,
Greg also told me that if I failed to make her happy again, he was personally going to kick my ass, even if he had to hire
someone else to hold me down first.
Greg was not entirely wrong in blaming me. I find myself at great fault when it comes to Sara’s departure. If I had only opened
my eyes, I would have seen the damage done by my absence, instead of blindly moving past that time, thinking that all was
well simply because Sara accepted my return without any repercussions.
I was also frustrated with myself for not being more proactive in Sara’s recovery after the abduction. I allowed her to swim
through that sea on her own, never questioning her process, and giving her the space I believed she might need. However, if I
was truly honest, I would have to say that I did all of those things more from my own fear. I was afraid that if I pushed her at all,
she would run. That if I insisted on being involved in the process that she would see it as my lack of trust in her abilities, and
she would reject my interference. But I never gave her the chance to tell me to back off, I just made a preemptive strike against
her rejection, and removed myself from the process altogether.
These revelations were not exactly welcome pieces of information, but they were the truth and my whole life has been lived in
pursuit of the truth. It was about time I began to apply those rules to my own actions. This was yet another lesson I have
learned because of the ordeal we were enduring at the moment.
I found my thoughts drifting back to Sara, and what she might be doing while I took Hank on his evening walk. When we
returned to the house Hank went about his own routine, and I moved my activities to the office. It was my night off, and I had an
entire evening to kill. My only hope would be that the internet had randomly shut off, thus preventing me from anymore
shopping. I already had sufficient mounting supplies to last well into the next decade, and my kitchen had more than enough
gadgets to last me a lifetime.
Powering on the computer, I went through a few things on my desk until it beeped at me to enter the password. While I waited
for the final boot up sequence, I grabbed my other glasses in preparation for a long night at the terminal.
Once the computer was ready, the first thing which greeted me was a notice that I had new emails. Clicking over to my inbox, I
was ready to slog through several notices about product recommendations from a particularly evil online retailer. After all, how
many stores only allow you to purchase a book after they have shown you all the other wonderful things you could buy (at a
reduced rate for buying them together) related to the single book you came in to get? I was prepared to do a mass delete of
emails when one stood out from the others and instantly captured my attention.
close now, and I felt like the light was beginning to shine at the end of this tunnel.
The email also let me know that she had picked up a new laptop. I was worried about what such an expense would do for her
finances, so I asked the insurance agent to expedite the claim to have the old one replaced. He assured me the funds would
be transferred to Sara’s bank account by the end of the week, at the latest.
Worrying about her finances was one of the few things I was able to control, and so I was diligent about it. Immediately after
she left I put her in for an emergency leave of absence from the lab, which allowed her to draw down from her accumulated
paid time off and retain her health insurance. When HR called to let me know her status would have to be changed to inactive
because her PTO was about to run out, I asked them to transfer mine to her on a weekly basis, as needed. Thankfully, HR was
probably the only administrative office with which I had a pleasant working relationship.
I thought this would be an acceptable solution, as I was perfectly willing to give up the thing which I never used voluntarily, but
it would seem someone else in the lab had a friend in HR. When I first learned that other members of the lab were giving up
their own PTO to prevent me from running out as well, I was thoroughly shocked. Perhaps the most surprising to me was the
fact that Greg had given all of his available PTO to Sara.
I suppose I shouldn’t have been shocked that Greg would do such a thing. After all, he and Sara had grown quite close over
the last couple of years. No, what actually surprised me was that he was willing to do it to save me from losing all of my own
time. Of late, Greg had been showing a great deal of animosity toward me, and frankly I’ve not called him on it, because I felt it
was justified. But that was why his gesture caught me off guard.
When I decided to question him about the gift, as well as his animosity, my shock deepened. He informed me that he still felt
like I was to blame for Sara’s need to leave, but when it all boiled down he knew that Sara needed me even more. However,
Greg also told me that if I failed to make her happy again, he was personally going to kick my ass, even if he had to hire
someone else to hold me down first.
Greg was not entirely wrong in blaming me. I find myself at great fault when it comes to Sara’s departure. If I had only opened
my eyes, I would have seen the damage done by my absence, instead of blindly moving past that time, thinking that all was
well simply because Sara accepted my return without any repercussions.
I was also frustrated with myself for not being more proactive in Sara’s recovery after the abduction. I allowed her to swim
through that sea on her own, never questioning her process, and giving her the space I believed she might need. However, if I
was truly honest, I would have to say that I did all of those things more from my own fear. I was afraid that if I pushed her at all,
she would run. That if I insisted on being involved in the process that she would see it as my lack of trust in her abilities, and
she would reject my interference. But I never gave her the chance to tell me to back off, I just made a preemptive strike against
her rejection, and removed myself from the process altogether.
These revelations were not exactly welcome pieces of information, but they were the truth and my whole life has been lived in
pursuit of the truth. It was about time I began to apply those rules to my own actions. This was yet another lesson I have
learned because of the ordeal we were enduring at the moment.
I found my thoughts drifting back to Sara, and what she might be doing while I took Hank on his evening walk. When we
returned to the house Hank went about his own routine, and I moved my activities to the office. It was my night off, and I had an
entire evening to kill. My only hope would be that the internet had randomly shut off, thus preventing me from anymore
shopping. I already had sufficient mounting supplies to last well into the next decade, and my kitchen had more than enough
gadgets to last me a lifetime.
Powering on the computer, I went through a few things on my desk until it beeped at me to enter the password. While I waited
for the final boot up sequence, I grabbed my other glasses in preparation for a long night at the terminal.
Once the computer was ready, the first thing which greeted me was a notice that I had new emails. Clicking over to my inbox, I
was ready to slog through several notices about product recommendations from a particularly evil online retailer. After all, how
many stores only allow you to purchase a book after they have shown you all the other wonderful things you could buy (at a
reduced rate for buying them together) related to the single book you came in to get? I was prepared to do a mass delete of
emails when one stood out from the others and instantly captured my attention.
PREVIOUS
NEXT
| RE: Not Much Here From: ss1971@memail.con Fri. 2008-01-13 18:38 To: ggrissom1956@memail.con Gil- Thank you. I know it seems like such a small thing to say after such a heartfelt letter, but truly, it was the first thing on my lips when I finished reading it. Your words have given me more than I can ever express to you, and so I am left with only this small acknowledgement of my gratitude. Thank you. In case you were wondering, I haven’t left San Francisco yet. It took a little while to find the computer I wanted, and then of course there was dealing with the cell phone people. However, if I am truly honest about it, I’d have to say that I’ve been stalling. When I made my decision to come back to California and face my past, I never realized how hard it would be in the end. But eventually, the stalling has to end, and tomorrow I’ll be driving out to Tomales Bay. Everyone I’ve mentioned the trip to tells me how beautiful it is, and gives me another place that I might want to stay while I’m there. I’ve never thought it was beautiful. I’ve always hated that place, so beauty is the last thing on my mind when I think about it. No, I think about gray skies, loud voices, hard times and the sharp crack of a hand making contact with a cheek. When they came to California, my parents had big dreams. Sam told me all about the stories his father would spin about his little brother the hippie. Apparently my father had a falling out with his family when he was in college and never spoke to any of them again. That explains why I never even knew I had an uncle. They knew about us though. I guess my mother would send pictures and stuff to my grandparents before they died. Sam told me that they didn’t learn about what happened to us until I was already out of the foster care system. I’ve wondered why my mother never said anything about them, but there’s no point in asking her about it now.. To me, Tomales Bay has always been the genesis location for the downward spiral my life became from the moment our family arrived there. Jack was a little boy when they got the place there on the hill. I remember the hill, because Jack used to push me on a big tricycle down the hill, and standing on the back, he rode it with me. That’s the only thing nice I really remember about that place; me and my big brother flying down the hill on my big red tricycle. I’m not exactly sure what I hope to accomplish by going there, but I just feel like… I don’t know, maybe I just want to see this place that’s become so distorted in my memories. Maybe I just need to see it for what it really is, and not the house of horrors that my childish mind has made it out to be. This whole trip has been a series of accidents, so I’m not sure why I think this one would make anymore sense than the others did before I got there. But everywhere I’ve gone has taught me something. Hell, even my little disagreement with the gentlemen down at the Italian customs office taught me a valuable lesson. If you’re gonna play with explosives, make sure you never leave home without your ID (Of course, the fact that I had no idea I was going to be placed on emergency leave, instead of fired might have been the reasoning behind that oversight). I had a couple emails from Greg recently, and he told me all about your little stunt with the PTO pool. Thank you. I never expected anything like that, and I certainly never imagined that half the lab would kick in their hours, too. I told Greg, but if you think about it, please make sure that everyone knows how much I sincerely appreciate their gifts. Speaking of Greg… You might want to give him a little slack right now. No matter how many times I’ve tried to convince him that my leaving had nothing to do with anything you’ve done, he’s got it in his head that you have some blame in this. I’m still working on him, but he’s a little stubborn sometimes. Of course, he’s still mad at me because I won’t give him my new phone number. You and Jim are the only ones in Vegas who have my new number, and I did that on purpose. If anyone else had it, they’d call me. I know the two of you will respect my wishes and not call just to tell me to come home. Thank you for that. I should go get something to eat and finish getting ready to head out tomorrow. Thank you again for the wonderful email. It touched me deeply, and I only wish I had a printer so that I could keep it with your picture on the nightstand every night. Be good to yourself, Gil, and don’t forget to share a little of yourself with those other people in your life. I’m sure Jim and Catherine have done their share of butt kicking since I’ve been gone. And Al could probably use that other ticket to the concert next week. I don’t like thinking of you alone, so I hope you’ve been trying to get out a little bit. I Love You, Always, -Sara PS: I said something to Greg when he mentioned his concern, but I thought you should know, too. Someone needs to talk to Warrick. After hearing from Greg, I’m starting to think he’s on a downhill slide. He’s always respected your opinion, so maybe you could touch base with him and see if he’s okay? |
I was shocked by the fragility I could sense in Sara’s words. In my mind’s eye, I could see her huddled over that little desk in
her mother’s spare room, carefully tapping at the keys with a timid touch, and it hurt me to know that she was feeling so alone.
My heart took over for my hands and before I realized it a reply was flying off of my fingers.
her mother’s spare room, carefully tapping at the keys with a timid touch, and it hurt me to know that she was feeling so alone.
My heart took over for my hands and before I realized it a reply was flying off of my fingers.
| RE: Not Much Here From: ggrissom1956@memail.con Fri. 2008-01-13 20:04 To: ss1971@memail.con Sara- Honey, please try to take care of yourself, and don’t worry so much about the rest of us. We’ll be just fine. I’ve already taken steps to reconcile with Greg, and Nick has talked to me about Warrick. We are doing our best to make do in your absence, and all that any of us wants is for you to be safe and to return to us once this is resolved. I don’t mean to question your state of mind, but in your email, I sensed a great deal of worry and apprehension. I’m concerned that you might be finding this part of the journey too difficult just yet. If you need more time to prepare yourself before heading out there, then please take it. Don’t rush this process now and spoil all of the wonderful things that you’ve accomplished so far. Whatever you need to do this and stay safe; just do it. If you need anything, please don’t hesitate to ask for it. You should know that I would drop everything and help you if it’s within my power. You only need to ask. I only want what’s best for you, Sara, and my love for you is without bounds. I love you so very much, Sara. Please care for yourself and stay safe. Loving You, Always, -Gil |
After sending the reply, I felt a well of emotion hiding within my chest. I wanted so desperately to reach out to Sara and hold
her tightly in my arms until her fears evaporated like so much smoke. Unfortunately, an email was all that there was, so I gave
her all that I had at my disposal.
As I blew out a calming breath, the flag went up on my inbox again.
her tightly in my arms until her fears evaporated like so much smoke. Unfortunately, an email was all that there was, so I gave
her all that I had at my disposal.
As I blew out a calming breath, the flag went up on my inbox again.
| RE: Not Much Here From: ss1971@memail.con Fri. 2008-01-13 20:18 To: ggrissom1956@memail.con Gil- Thanks again. Sometimes I wonder if we shouldn’t just talk through emails and letters all the time, since we seem to do so much better like this. In your emails, you always manage to find just the right thing to say, every time. And the words that seem to fail me when I’ m standing in front of you just pour out onto the paper when I’m writing. Also, it reminds me of the times before I came to Vegas. Anyway, I don’t want to make you late for work, but I also didn’t want you worrying too much about me. Despite how it must have looked in that email, I’m doing okay. I’m just trying to sort through all of this stuff, and sometimes writing it out makes it easier. Hopefully you don’t mind being my sounding board on this. I’m not quite there yet with Jack, Sam doesn’t know a whole lot about what’s happened out here, and Jim isn’t quite the touchy feely type. Stay safe tonight. I Love You, Always, -Sara |
I suddenly felt like email was this shiny new toy and I was eight years old again. Though it was digital and not at all as
wonderful as having her there with me in the flesh, Sara and I were having a real conversation for the first time in months.
wonderful as having her there with me in the flesh, Sara and I were having a real conversation for the first time in months.
| RE: Not Much Here From: ggrissom1956@memail.con Fri. 2008-01-13 20:22 To: ss1971@memail.con Is this the wrong time to mention that I have the night off? |
| RE: Not Much Here From: ss1971@memail.con Fri. 2008-01-13 20:23 To: ggrissom1956@memail.con Now that’s just too weird… I was just thinking, “Wouldn’t it be funny if he was camped out in front of the computer at work?” I guess it never occurred to me that you’d be at home tonight. Do you still have that instant message account we were using before I came to Las Vegas? |
| RE: Not Much Here From: ggrissom1956@memail.con Fri. 2008-01-13 20:31 To: ss1971@memail.con It’s where I am trying to divert all of my SPAM at the moment, but I don’t seem to have that program on this computer. |
| RE: Not Much Here From: ss1971@memail.con Fri. 2008-01-13 20:33 To: ggrissom1956@memail.con No problem… Just go to Meebo.com and type the login into the appropriate fields. |
I am not a complete idiot when it comes to computers, but occasionally I am reminded just how far behind the curve I am from
the others at the lab. And no one can bring that realization out more than Sara. She always seems to be five steps ahead of
me when it comes to technology, but she has also never made me feel foolish about it.
The first time she suggested using an instant messenger I was completely confused, but she carefully explained the
phenomenon to me, and within a short period we were having real time conversations, without the awkwardness of speaking to
her directly.
The awkwardness came from two sources, the first being the beginning of my hearing difficulties manifesting itself during
phone conversations, and the second being the affect on my composure whenever I was within her proximity. We learned
much later that it was a difficulty we shared.
After I managed to navigate my way into the world of this new messaging portal, I entered the pertinent information and waited
for the application to load.
The screen blinked into action and I was instantly greeted with a message from a familiar source.
the others at the lab. And no one can bring that realization out more than Sara. She always seems to be five steps ahead of
me when it comes to technology, but she has also never made me feel foolish about it.
The first time she suggested using an instant messenger I was completely confused, but she carefully explained the
phenomenon to me, and within a short period we were having real time conversations, without the awkwardness of speaking to
her directly.
The awkwardness came from two sources, the first being the beginning of my hearing difficulties manifesting itself during
phone conversations, and the second being the affect on my composure whenever I was within her proximity. We learned
much later that it was a difficulty we shared.
After I managed to navigate my way into the world of this new messaging portal, I entered the pertinent information and waited
for the application to load.
The screen blinked into action and I was instantly greeted with a message from a familiar source.
| [20:41] Fequalsma: Welcome to 21st Century Communication! [20:42] The_Bug_Guy: At least this time I didn’t have to spend two hours trying to figure out how to install a new program on the computer. [20:42] Fequalsma: Or crash your computer 2X in the process. [20:42] The_Bug_Guy: Thank you for that reminder. [20:42] The_Bug_Guy: And I still don’t really like the name you setup for me. [20:42] Fequalsma: It’s your fault. [20:42] Fequalsma: You’re the one that introduced yourself as “The Bug Guy” at every seminar session. [20:43] The_Bug_Guy: That was just to save time. It didn’t mean I liked it. [20:43] Fequalsma: Fine… Would you rather we use the same one everyone uses at the lab, Bugman? [20:43] The_Bug_Guy: No fair. You know I don’t like that one at all. [20:43] The_Bug_Guy: Everyone uses it? [20:43] Fequalsma: Everyone but me. [20:43] Fequalsma: I still prefer Gilbert. [20:44] The_Bug_Guy: Do NOT spread that one around, please? [20:45] The_Bug_Guy: Sara? [20:45] Fequalsma: Sorry… Was laughing too hard to type. [20:45] The_Bug_Guy: This isn’t funny. [20:45] The_Bug_Guy: Okay, maybe a little funny. [20:45] The_Bug_Guy: But I still don’t want that name getting around. [20:45] Fequalsma: Yes, Dear. |
I had to pause for a few moments. Even seeing her communicating with such happy phrases was enough to bring an
enthusiastic smile to my face.
enthusiastic smile to my face.
| [20:47] Fequalsma: Gil? Are you still there? [20:47] The_Bug_Guy: Sorry… I was enjoying the moment. [20:47] Fequalsma: I was just thinking the same thing when I realized you stopped talking. [20:47] The_Bug_Guy: I miss this. [20:47] Fequalsma: I’ve really messed things up, haven’t I? |
Regret quickly filled my chest with pain. I shouldn’t have ruined the moment with my comments.
| [20:47] The_Bug_Guy: Honey, no… It’s not messed up, not even a little. [20:48] The_Bug_Guy: I just miss you right now. And I’ve really missed your teasing. [20:48] The_Bug_Guy: Pathetic, I know, but it’s the truth. [20:49] Fequalsma: Thank you. [20:49] The_Bug_Guy: For being pathetic? [20:49] Fequalsma: For being you. [20:49] The_Bug_Guy: Right…pathetic. [20:50] Fequalsma: Not pathetic. Not even a little. More like Mary Poppins. [20:50] The_Bug_Guy: You lost me on that one. [20:50] Fequalsma: “Practically Perfect in Every Way.” [20:50] The_Bug_Guy: Ah… Measuring me up again? [20:51] Fequalsma: Something like that. [20:51] Fequalsma: But seriously…thank you. I was feeling a little lost tonight. [20:51] Fequalsma: Talking to you…your words… I’m feeling so much better right now. |
A great wave of relief fell over me as I read her words. I had worried that she was in a fragile state, and to learn that my words
were enough to strengthen her filled me with an immense sense of pride.
were enough to strengthen her filled me with an immense sense of pride.
| [20:52] The_Bug_Guy: That makes me happy, to be able to help you through this, even if it is only in such a small way. [20:52] Fequalsma: Trust me, there’s nothing small about it. [20:52] The_Bug_Guy: It doesn’t feel like much. I wish I could do more. |
There was a pause, and I hesitated before posting my next thought.
| [20:52] The_Bug_Guy: I wish I could be there for you. |
I waited. Just seeing the words on the screen, it looked like so much more than it was, and I worried that it might be seen as
pressuring her.
pressuring her.
| [20:54] Fequalsma: You are here… [20:54] The_Bug_Guy: Sara, I’m s [20:54] Fequalsma: In my heart. [20:54] The_Bug_Guy: I was trying to apologize, but Hank jumped in my lap. [20:54] Fequalsma: You have a full grown Boxer in your lap? [20:54] The_Bug_Guy: Well, the front half anyway. [20:55] The_Bug_Guy: I think he heard me say your name and came looking for you. [20:55] Fequalsma: It’s good to know I haven’t been forgotten. [20:55] The_Bug_Guy: Are you kidding? [20:55] The_Bug_Guy: I had to move his bed to the underside of the table where the answering machine is. [20:56] Fequalsma: Why? [20:56] The_Bug_Guy: Ever since your last phone message, he’s been guarding the machine. I even have to play him the message when I come home every day or he won’t leave me alone. [20:56] Fequalsma: Don’t tease me like that. [20:56] The_Bug_Guy: I’m completely serious, Honey. Our dog is obsessed with the answering machine now, and it’s all your fault. [20:57] Fequalsma: Now you’re just trying to make me cry. [20:57] The_Bug_Guy: No, I never want that. [20:58] Fequalsma: Are you really playing him the message every day? [20:58] The_Bug_Guy: It is played every single day… [20:58] The_Bug_Guy: It just might not be only for him. [20:59] The_Bug_Guy: Of course, I always did find you terribly adorable when you swear like a sailor. |
There was another long pause in the conversation, but just as I was about to query her status again I received my answer.
| [21:02] Fequalsma: Thank you… I just spit water all over myself and had to get a dry shirt. [21:02] The_Bug_Guy: And the computer? [21:02] The_Bug_Guy: Because unlike national security explosions, I don’t think your spit take would be covered by our insurance policy. [21:03] Fequalsma: Damnit, Gil! I don’t have enough shirts to keep this up. [21:03] The_Bug_Guy: Okay… I’ll behave now. |
I never realized until that moment just how much I enjoyed knowing that I could make Sara laugh. It suddenly dawned on me
why I was always so uncomfortable in regards to her relationship with Greg before we got together; I was jealous of the way he
could make her laugh and smile. I wanted to be the only one who could bring that magical thing out in her, but now I
understand that it is an intoxicating and addictive phenomenon, and I could never fault the younger man for delighting in it.
Besides, I have so much more from Sara than just her smiles.
why I was always so uncomfortable in regards to her relationship with Greg before we got together; I was jealous of the way he
could make her laugh and smile. I wanted to be the only one who could bring that magical thing out in her, but now I
understand that it is an intoxicating and addictive phenomenon, and I could never fault the younger man for delighting in it.
Besides, I have so much more from Sara than just her smiles.
| [21:05] Fequalsma: Computer’s fine… I’ve got both wet shirts hanging up… And another dry one on. [21:05] Fequalsma: Speaking of computers and insurance… Did you file the claim? Because there was a deposit from the insurance company on Friday???? [21:05] The_Bug_Guy: Oh good… I was afraid they would drag their feet on that one. [21:06] Fequalsma: You didn’t need to do that. It could have waited. [21:06] The_Bug_Guy: Jim got me a copy of the report from the State Department, and I submitted it and the remains to Phil when I was signing some other papers. It wasn’t any trouble, and I didn’t want you spending all your money on a new computer. [21:06] Fequalsma: Gil, I told you… I’m really fine on money. [21:06] Fequalsma: Especially since I am still drawing a paycheck. [21:07] The_Bug_Guy: You haven’t left me with many problems that I’m capable of doing anything about… Being certain that you are adequately financed makes me feel better. [21:07] Fequalsma: It’s not that I don’t appreciate it, but you really don’t have to worry. [21:07] The_Bug_Guy: Sara… I’m always going to worry. Nothing will ever stop that. I love you far too much for that to ever happen. [21:09] Fequalsma: You are the only person who can do this. [21:09] The_Bug_Guy: Do what? [21:10] Fequalsma: In the last hour you’ve managed to make me aggravated, blush, cry, laugh, miss you even more than I already do, smile, snicker, snort, spew water, and tempted me more than once to just pack it in and come home. [21:10] Fequalsma: Nobody else can do all that… Not with me. [21:10] The_Bug_Guy: I refer back to my earlier statement… I love you far too much. It really explains everything. [21:11] The_Bug_Guy: Wait… I made you blush? [21:11] Fequalsma: You would pick up on THAT, wouldn’t you? [21:11] The_Bug_Guy: I have to make a journal entry for each one. Otherwise it will mess up years worth of data. [21:12] Fequalsma: You are such a nerd. [21:12] The_Bug_Guy: Speaking of… Dear, did you notice that your list is in alphabetical order? |
The pause that followed was to be expected. I knew she would be scrolling back to verify my remark. It had been a long
running joke between us for years. In the beginning I claimed that our interactions were part of an ongoing experiment and I
was cataloguing everything for data analysis at a later time. This came about because I made mention that whenever she
listed something off in print it was almost exclusively in alpha-numeric order, and she questioned my need to observe her so
closely. Since we began the more intimate phase of our relationship, we’ve revived the jokes about the experimentation and
which one of us is indeed the nerdiest.
running joke between us for years. In the beginning I claimed that our interactions were part of an ongoing experiment and I
was cataloguing everything for data analysis at a later time. This came about because I made mention that whenever she
listed something off in print it was almost exclusively in alpha-numeric order, and she questioned my need to observe her so
closely. Since we began the more intimate phase of our relationship, we’ve revived the jokes about the experimentation and
which one of us is indeed the nerdiest.
| [21:14] Fequalsma: Oh god… I’m doing it again. [21:14] Fequalsma: I guess we’re both nerds. [21:14] The_Bug_Guy: That seals it then. [21:15] Fequalsma: What? [21:15] The_Bug_Guy: We were meant for each other. Who else could handle such a ridiculous pair of nerds? [21:15] Fequalsma: Then you have my deepest apologies… I think you’re getting the short end of the stick on this one. [21:16] The_Bug_Guy: Such is my lot in life…ending up with the tall, beautiful, intelligent woman who loves me and my dog, even though she could have her pick of younger, more virile men across the globe. A curse, I tell you. [21:17] Fequalsma: I don’t want to feed your ego, but there’s something you should know… [21:17] Fequalsma: I couldn’t handle anyone more virile than you. [21:18] The_Bug_Guy: My turn to blush. [21:18] Fequalsma: Now that’s an accomplishment. [21:18] The_Bug_Guy: No it’s not… You’ve always been quite good at throwing me off balance. [21:19] Fequalsma: Then you must be good at hiding it, because I have only seen you actually blush twice. [21:19] The_Bug_Guy: Oh really? When? [21:19] Fequalsma: When I caught you staring during that 2nd seminar. [21:20] The_Bug_Guy: Busted. [21:20] The_Bug_Guy: But in my defense, your blouse the second day was very…sheer. [21:20] Fequalsma: WHAT?! [21:20] The_Bug_Guy: Sara, I could see the… [21:21] Fequalsma: See what? [21:21] The_Bug_Guy: I could see the outline… Well, not really the outline, but [21:21] Fequalsma: Quit stalling. [21:21] The_Bug_Guy: I thought I could see your nipples, and I spent the whole day trying to figure out if you were wearing a bra, or anything, or if it was really your nipples, okay? [21:23] The_Bug_Guy: Sara? [21:23] The_Bug_Guy: You’re not mad, are you? [21:24] Fequalsma: Ah, no… Just completely mortified. [21:24] The_Bug_Guy: Why? [21:24] Fequalsma: Oh, I don’t know… The whole time I thought you were listening to my questions, interested in what I had to say, you weren’t doing anymore than copping a feel with your eyes. [21:24] The_Bug_Guy: Are you kidding? I was in absolute agony. I had finally met a woman who could hold her own in a conversation with me, and my damn libido decided to rob me of all rational thought. I was sure you thought I was either a total fool or a complete Neanderthal. [21:25] The_Bug_Guy: And when you busted me, I was convinced that would be the last I saw of you. When you walked into that lecture hall the next day I felt the most amazing sense of relief. That was when I knew that having you in my life, in even the smallest way, was something that I sincerely needed and wanted. |
I began to worry that my explanation of the events surrounding the start of our strange relationship had made things worse. I
simply needed Sara to understand that it was never just about my physical attraction, nor was it for any single attribute in her,
but that I knew from the beginning to have the totality of the person that made her Sara was my fondest wish, and my most
sacred dream.
simply needed Sara to understand that it was never just about my physical attraction, nor was it for any single attribute in her,
but that I knew from the beginning to have the totality of the person that made her Sara was my fondest wish, and my most
sacred dream.
| [21:26] The_Bug_Guy: Sara, I just [21:26] Fequalsma: Stop. [21:27] Fequalsma: I get it. I just need to digest the information. [21:27] The_Bug_Guy: Honey, please don’t be upset. I don’t want this to be what you take away from this conversation. [21:27] Fequalsma: It’s okay. It was just a little surprising. |
It was back; the quiet calm that would fall over Sara as she struggled to keep something below the surface, far away from
prying eyes. I hate that calm.
prying eyes. I hate that calm.
| [21:29] Fequalsma: Hey, it’s getting late, and I need to finish cleaning up so I can get some sleep before my road trip tomorrow. [21:29] The_Bug_Guy: Sara, please don’t leave like this. It doesn’t feel right. [21:29] Fequalsma: I’m fine, Gil. I just need to get some stuff done before tomorrow. [21:30] Fequalsma: Give Hank a big hug for me, okay? [21:30] Fequalsma: I love you… Good night. [21:30] Fequalsma is offline |
And with that, she was gone.
I must have started and stopped three dozen emails to explain myself that night, but in the end, I knew the damage had
already been done, even if I wasn’t entirely sure what the real problem was. When I finally succumbed to exhaustion the next
afternoon, my fitful sleep was filled with dreams of Sara walking away. If it happened now, I knew right where to place the blame.
I must have started and stopped three dozen emails to explain myself that night, but in the end, I knew the damage had
already been done, even if I wasn’t entirely sure what the real problem was. When I finally succumbed to exhaustion the next
afternoon, my fitful sleep was filled with dreams of Sara walking away. If it happened now, I knew right where to place the blame.
